Woman To Woman: My Story

The Unthinkable

I was in the biggest breakdown of my life when I stopped crying long enough to let the words of my epiphany really sink in. The realization only made me cry harder. Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we're settling for. Hearts are breakable..but I think even when you heal, you're never what you were before. And anything that might break me would just make me stronger in the end. Yes, I understand why things had to happen this way. I understand their reasons for causing me pain. But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt.. It is because I think so much of warm and sensitive hearts, that I would spare them from being wounded. Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could. I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories; it just all comes back. But he never does. I think a part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen. It's not really anything he said, or anything he did ― it was the feeling that came along with it. Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again. But I don't know if I should. I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright, but I just thought, 'How can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?' Maybe he knew that when he saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him. It was losing me.

If you're gonna leave, I wish you'd just leave. Why do you keep coming back if you're not going to stay? Because even when you're gone, you're never really gone... I won't get over it if you keep coming back. Losing you once was hard enough. Now you're here again and everything's coming back. And I can't do it again.