Unknow

The truth will be told, and drinking.

1.     October. Friday.

It was never easy. Not at first, not at the end. I remember my mum and dad talking, saying that I was blaming myself for their separation. And maybe I was but I don’t feel like it was my fault. It was theirs. I was just lost at the time. I had been lost for a long time. But my mum always said that you had to be lost to be found. Why can’t I just be? My thoughts confuse me sometimes. I look at Lucy and Amy sitting in the couch. Right now I’m in a ferry. We are going to some island to listen to music and preform in some kind of a rip off. Well Lucy, and the coir is. The rest of us will kind of be just standing there waiting. There will be classes against classes. On the other and of the small space between the rows of seats, sit the lovely couple. He has his hand over her shoulder and she leans into him. They look happy. It makes me sick. I know it makes Lucy sick too. She looks at them and then my showing her finger in her mouth pretending to vomit. I laugh in pity then move over to the window. The waves rise and brake. They say the ocean is blue. I can not agree on that. It’s grey, maybe a little green. I there is nothing to see other than the ugly dark sea meeting the horizon. The sky’s colour is nothing better than the sea’s. It’s bright, too bright. White like old snow. Not fresh, depressing. Making me want to close the blinds and go back to bed. I see small islands in the sea. A man once said that no one is a lonely island, we are all a part of the continent. I don’t believe I am. But I’m not an island. I’m a stone. In the ocean. Not a drop of the sea, or a rock of the land. I’m just a loose stone. You pass by me without a notice, but I notice. I see all. I’ve never liked sailing. It’s lonely, disappointing. I don’t get seasick like the girls up on the deck, throwing their breakfast into the un-perfect sea. I just don’t like the fact that I’m on an iron class sailing in the ocean. I can’t see land or a harbour. Just the sea. No wonder they thought that the earth was not round. You only see a line. It ends all of it. But it’s just an illusion. It’s not that I’m afraid of drowning, I’m afraid of getting lost. Lost in sea. Lost in the bottom. Lost in life. Despite the fact that I dislike sailing it still has a quality. It brings me hope. Hope of land, hope of an end.

      I turn to face Lucy. She seems alright. But last night I heard a sob. Today she smiles. Today I smile. I take a breath and walk out to the deck. By the railing are several people leaning over it. I know what they are doing at I turn around seeing Austin in a corner smoking. I walk over to him. He looks at me and puts it out. “Don’t tell Lucy.” He says and laughs slightly.

“No worries I won’t.” I say with a teasing smile. It’s chilly. I’m only wearing my school blazer. I wrap it better around me. “Still on for tonight?” I ask and he looks away from the view.

“Of course.” Oh grate I’m starting to shiver. “You cold?” He asks and takes of his jacket. He’s wearing a dark blue woollen coat with six buttons and this formal look. He hangs it on my shoulders. “Here.” He says. He sounds as flat as usually but I feel something changing in him. I just think he needs a friend.

“Thank you.” I whisper and smile shyly up at him.

“No problem.” He’s now wearing his usual uniform. Whit button up shirt with a blue tie and dark blue pants. He’s wearing black convers and his hair is messy. But not like ugly messy more, orderly messy. “Still cold?” He asks and lights up another cigarette.

“Just a little but its fine.” I say but he still puts his arm around me and pulls me close to his body. The warm of his body crawls over to mine. I blush slightly.

“How you feeling? About not having Nate around?” He asks and inhales the toxic smoke.

“Pissed.” I stat and let out an outraged breath. “But his chose, his lost.”