Weeks have passed. It's November and I'm playing with Sean.
"So you really like playing with your cousins huh?" I ask Sean.
He looks at me like he has two heads. Why is it that I'm the only one Sean gives this look to? I've noticed English has been leaving me alone with Sean a little bit more.
"Don't feel like talking?" I ask him.
"Oh my god...what do you want?" Sean asks.
He asks it as though he didn't hear my question. He seems so upset.
"Why don't you like me?" I ask him.
It's a stupid question to ask. It's a kid but for some reason I just have it in my mind that this kid doesn't like me. For some reason the looks he gives me just makes me feel like I've done something unimaginable to him.
"I already have a daddy," Sean tells me, "I like my daddy. I don't want you."
I look over at Sean and I see this pure fear in his eyes.
"You think that's what I'm trying to do? You think I'm trying to take you out of English's life?" I ask him.
He doesn't answer. He just looks down at his toys. Just at that moment, English comes back into the house from work. I hate the fact that he is working so hard trying to support Sean while Sean's father sat at home all day. I had been applying for jobs. I really had. I had even considered working fast food but it seemed no one was hiring. Either no one was hiring or no one wanted to take on a guy who had a felony for killing his own father.
Regardless of how many years I had in jail, I wouldn't be able to recover from the headlines and reputation. People knew the story. People still talked...
"Everything OK with you?" English asks.
I walk over to him, leaving Sean playing in the living room. English must be asking because of my expression. He was leaving me with Sean on purpose so that Sean would get used to me but it was backfiring.
"He thinks I'm trying to take you away from him," I state.
There is a silence.
"I can talk to him..."
I stop English and grab his hand, "Wait. What was that pause about? You don't think I'm trying to take Sean away from you, do you?"
English hesitates, "Man. I don't know what you are going to do. I'm not his dad. You can wake up one day and get in a relationship with some guy or girl for that matter. You guys can decide that you have the means to take care of Sean. I mean...the kid is smart. He picks up on stuff. It's a real concern for both of us..."
The look in English's eyes is the same look that Sean had. The look of separation. It is so weird that English wasn't even his father and he connected with Sean like that. I think about my own father. There was no way in hell my dad would have cared so much.
"Listen, I'm not going to do that. I know our situation is...complicated to say the least, but I also know you care about Sean and I know that he cares about you. I wouldn't separate you two."
English smiles.
"That's nice to know. I'll definitely sit down and explain that to Sean."
"Would you want him?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean fully. Would you want him?" I ask, "Would you want to adopt him?"
"Are you serious?"
I hesitate. English was worried about me taking Sean away from him but truthfully deep in my mind I was wondering whether English had any rights to do the same. He was Sean's stepfather and I was a felon. What if he tried to adopt Sean? I keep thinking about the future. I don't think English would be that grimy but if he ever got with Joshua, I knew damn sure Joshua had the resources to make that happen. And Joshua was all about forcing his superiority on others as if everyone else in the world was an idiot but him.
