A Letter To The Only One

September 2, 2018

Dear Rachel,

Writing this hurts. I don't suppose you would understand why, but just know that it does. My heart clenches painfully tight at the thought of putting how I feel about you on paper, or in this case, a computer. I can't explain why, I think it has something to do with my inability to portray my true emotions without feeling utterly exhausted and having to lock myself in my room for days at a time until I can bare to be around people again. But regardless, this is something I need to do for not only myself, but the people around me.

Owen is amazing, you know this and have always been supportive of our relationship. You make jokes about how I belong to you, but in the end, you always give me up to him. I can't physically describe how upset this makes me. I would break up with him at the drop of a hat if you asked me to. And yet you smile at us and say how much of a great couple we are; about how you can see how happy we make each other. I want to believe you, but what you're saying isn't true.

I don't think my longing for you is a secret. I tell you how much I love you, and you say it back. But I don't think you truly understand what I mean when I say it.

I throw around the word "love" lightheartedly, because I love all my friends. I love Olivia, Katie, Isabella, Owen, Danny, and far too many more to count. I have loved every single past boyfriend or girlfriend and every single past friend. But I can safely, without a doubt, say that I have never been IN love with someone, until I met you.

I've tried to drown myself in other people, to forget about how much you mean to me. I've made out with Danny, gotten together with Joey and then Owen. But every single damn time, you are the only one who is on my mind. The way you smile, the way you laugh. My heart breaks each time you say that you want to die, because even the idea of you not being around me anymore is painful.

I can't pin-point the exact time I fell in love with you, though I'm sure there was a eureka moment that I can't remember. All I know for a fact, is that I've never felt this way before. Because frankly, you're perfect. And I know that you would argue that to the moon and beyond, but it's true. You are the most perfect thing I have ever seen, and I only wish that you could see me the same way. I'm sorry that I see galaxies in your eyes, and yet you can't find a single star in mine. But regardless, I love you more than all the stars in the sky and the fish in the sea. To the moon and back.

Forever Yours,

Raegan~