Lonely~ lams highschool au

~1~

(Alexander's POV)
I took a long drag off my cigarette, the smoke trailing off the end into the dark night sky. I smiled a bit, body humming appreciatively from the nicotine it had been craving all day. I crossed my legs, sitting off the edge of the roof of my house, and stared at the sky. The moon was full and bright, and the warm summer air blew through the messy ponytail I had thrown my long brown hair into.
There's something distinctly lonely about these nights, even when you're sitting right next to a boy who loves you with all his heart.
"You alright?" I turned to face my boyfriend, who was sitting next to me on my own crappy roof. He looked genuine. Concerned. I hated it when he was worried about me. I just grinned wider, praying that that would work instead of an actual response,  seeing as how any words were turning to cigarette ash in my throat. There's no use in even attempting speaking when the nights are like this.

Luckily, It seemed to work well enough, because he returned to staring contentedly up at the stars, that slight but goofy grin on his face. I dropped the fake grin, and took the time to check out the lovely boy in the warm moonlight. 
Thomas was everything you could want in a boyfriend. Or, at least, everything a sensible person could want. He was kind, and smart, and definitely gorgeous, with just enough danger to make the hair at the back of your neck stand up.

And he knew how to just be there when every word turned to poison in your mouth.

I laid my head down on his shoulder, sighing just a bit. He was wearing that sweatshirt that smelled like thrift stores and old spice deodorant, the one that made me wanna bury my face in his chest. I took a deep breath in, before exhaling and taking another drag.
"Babe, you know you can always talk to me, right?" He asked, wrapping an arm around my waist. I froze, not expecting another question.
I nodded briefly in response. He gave me a wary look before falling back into the thick silence that hung in the air. I sat up, suddenly uncomfortable under the warm night sky. It felt suffocating all of a sudden. I should put out the cigarette.
I don't know how to tell him that I'm lonely, even when he's here. It would break his heart anyways, he'd think I wanted to break up or that I didn't love him. And I do, I know I love him.
But love is different for the people who feel the words crumble into dust on their tongues when the nights are too warm and suffocating. Love is different for me. It's not dates and smiles and cuddles and sharing all your feelings. That's what the normal kids do. That's what people like Thomas Jefferson do.
Thomas is perfect. He's the perfect son, classmate, boyfriend. He's opinionated and smart and he's got passion the same way I do. He just knows what to do with it, he knows how to control it. And one of these days he just decided to be passionate about me.
And I will give him the illusion of normal. He deserves that much. He deserves dates and smiles and cuddles and knowing my feelings.

He just can't know everything. He doesn't quite get it, because he's Thomas Jefferson and he is perfect. He's got an idealized view of the world and how it should be. And I wanna fit into that. I wanna fit into his life. Even if it means keeping my mouth shut when he asks what's wrong.
He thinks he wants to know, but he doesn't. He doesn't want to know that I'm not perfect too.