Lonely~ lams highschool au

~6~

After I finished my homework and said goodbye to my mom at the hospital, I went home. It was a small apartment, one that used to be full of life and laughter. My mom was always baking something in the kitchen, my brother was always playing the old piano we found at a yard sale. But now mom is sick and James? Well... james isn't around anymore.

I dumped my stuff on the couch, collapsing with a sigh before finally checking my phone

Thomas: Where are you? Why aren't you at school

Thomas: are you ok?

Thomas: did you go home?

Thomas: lex I'm worried please answer

The texts went on and on. I guess I really frightened him. I usually am glued to my phone, so I guess it is out of the ordinary. But I can't find the energy to text him back, so I don't. Instead, I stumble out to the patio for a smoke. I fumble with the lighter for a second before my phone buzzes again.

Unknown: hey, it's John!!

Unknown: John Laurens

Unknown: Angelica gave me your number I hope that's ok

I don't know what to say, so I say nothing, and just finish my cigarette in silence.
He's just like Thomas you know.
I'm almost surprised by my own internal monologue. Usually I don't have enough braincells to string together anything coherent until I get a piece of paper in front of me. But this is different. This isn't calm, rational, ever logical Alex speaking. This is some nasty gutter bitch talking now.
He's flawless, Alex. Just like Thomas. He doesn't like you. He'll pay attention to you for a little while because he thinks your whole angst act is interesting, then he'll leave. Just like Thomas will.
I freeze at that thought. It's true, isn't it? I only attract people because they think I'm deep or something. And then they realize there's something really wrong and they don't wanna be associated anymore.
The only reason Thomas sticks around is because he doesn't actually care enough to learn about your little sob story.
Before I know what I'm doing, my cigarette butt is crushed under my shoe and my phone is back in my hand.

Alex: hey

Thomas: hey! Are you ok?

Alex: I'm fine. I wanted to ask you something.

Thomas: what?

Alex: why do you like me.

Thomas: because you're funny and sweet and smart.

I sigh, a headache starting to form behind my eyes.

Alex: no, seriously. Don't give me that cookie cutter bullshit. Why are you really with me.

Thomas: you're being weird. Are you ok? Can I come over?

Alex: Answer the fucking question Thomas

Thomas: Jesus Christ lex can you back off

I know it sounds stupid or immature or crazy, but that's what did it. That little petname. That's what sent me over the edge. Id like to say it was the headache or the self doubt or the panic storming inside me that finally made me snap, but it wasn't.
I can't live like this anymore. I can't be Alexis because whoever the hell she really is, she's strangling me slowly. It's too much too much too much-

Thomas: open the door, I'm here.

I couldn't see straight. The panic and the fury was too much and so I gathered myself up and stumbled off the patio and across the hall to open the front door.
Thomas was standing there, in a sweater and glasses looking like a goddamn j.crew model because OF COURSE HE DOES. The sight of him made my head throb in pain.
"What do you want Thomas." I choked out, clutching my head and squinting at him through watery eyes.
"I'm worried about you! You seemed off on the phone, you weren't in class today... I just wanted to make sure you're ok."
I started to feel guilty. Of course he's just checking in. He doesn't wanna fight with you. Why are you trying so hard to start a fight Alex?
"Can I come in?" He asks gently. I step out of the doorway, letting him inside. He flops onto the couch, motioning for me to sit next to him.
"What's going on with you lex?"
The petname sends another lightning flash of pain through my head. I sigh a little. I have to tell him.
"No, actually. I need to tell you something."
He sits up, looking straight at me with his chocolate brown eyes.
"I'm a guy, Thomas. I'm trans."

The air is thick. Thomas just sits there, staring into space.
"Tommy?" My voice comes out like a whimper, and I realize that my whole body is on fire.
"Ok... ok...." he repeats it over and over, staring a hole into the cheap carpet. I start to feel the actual weight of the situation come crashing down. I told someone. I told Thomas. This was a bad idea. This is bad this is bad this is bad...
"It's ok." He finally says, and my eyes snap up to meet his deep brown ones.
"Really?" I choke out, the sound coming out as more of strangled wheeze.
"Yeah. Of course." He stands up and pulls me into a tight hug. I start to sigh with relief.
"I mean, this is just a phase, right? It'll pass and you'll be back to normal."
I feel my heart crack open a little. I pull away from the hug.
"What do you mean "phase", Thomas?" I ask, staring up at him.
"Well yknow. This whole "I'm a guy" thing will go away and you'll be my Alexis again." He says brightly.
I take a step back.
"This isn't a phase, Thomas. This is for real. I'm a guy. I always have been."
He stares at me, a little puzzled, before his face morphs into disgust.
"So you mean... you're one of them? One of those transgenders?" He kind of spits the words, and it feels like a knife twisted in my chest.
"Well you don't have to say it like that. This is who I am Thomas!" My voice is starting to shake as I hold back tears.
"No, it's not. You're Alexis. And you're not one of those perverts!" He shouts back at me, tears filling his eyes too.
"Trans people aren't pervert, it's just how I was born! This doesn't have to change anything!" Tears are starting to drip down my face. My vision starts to blur. That headache is back.
"God, I knew this was a mistake." Thomas spits, venom flooding his voice.
"What do you mean?" I sound pathetic.
"I mean, that you and me are a mistake! I shouldn't have dated a dyke! God yknow all my friends warned me about you. I could've dated Kitty Livingston you know. And I turned her down. For what? For this?" I barely recognize him. He used to be so sweet. And now he's talking about Kitty? He knows how many times she's made me miserable!
"Fine. I guess this was a mistake." I sob out, crossing my arms. "Why don't you go cry to Kitty about it." I hiss.
He pauses for a second. Staring me up and down.
"I'm sorry lex."
"Don't call me that."
"Look, it's not important. I didn't mean any of that."
I look up at him, and I see tears streaming down his face too. I have to pause too, because despite it all I really do love him. He's so perfect, and I'm so... not.
"Yknow my dad knows some people. We can take you to a nice clinic and we can straighten this all out."
That's it. I feel my blood boil and all I'm seeing is red. Conversion therapy? Seriously?

"Get out." I hiss.
"What?" He asks, looking genuinely shocked.
"GET. OUT." I shout, storming to the door and opening it, pointing out the door.
"Fine. Yknow what? I tried. I really did. But this is over." He snarls, stomping out the door.
"GREAT. HAVE FUN FUCKING KITTY LIVINGSTON YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE." I shout after him. Before he can respond, I slam the door and sink to the ground.

What the hell did I just do?