Who am I when I dont know myself

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I can't believe she wanted me to kiss her! Why would i ever do that? Shes a girl! Not that theres anything wrong with girls I'm just not attracted to them in that way, you know? Ugh why is everything so messed up? Why cant I just have my own opinion..

"Babe you're doing it again you need to stop that." Harry was fussing once again over how I always tended to over think everything and when I did I also tended to bite my lips very hard. Sometimes like today I'd do it hard enough that they'd bleed.

"I'm sorry haz its just" I sighed putting my head in my hands.
She stresses me out so much sometimes I think she's gonna kill me but I know modest will never let me leave her for good and I always end up going back to her. God why is this so fucked up.
"I'm just really stressed about the new tour coming up and releasing my album haz ill be fine yea?"
I hated lying to him but ill be damned if anyone takes harry away from me.

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"I dont just understand why he doesn't love me, I mean look at me! Whats not to love I'm beautiful, funny, I have the perfect body."

"Elenour we cant force his heart to love you. The best we can do is force him to date you. Your status and fame is already risen significantly."

"All I'm saying is I think he needs a little motivation is all. Give him a little push that'll force him to actually second guess his heart and fall for me instead. I'm obviously the better choice and I'm much prettier."

"And what do you suggest we do? We've already exhausted all of our options and none of them have worked."

"Isn't his boyfriend that Harold dude? What do you think Louis would think when his 'boyfriend' suddenly starts randomly sleeping with different girls every week? I think that might be motivation enough to second guess choosing that man"

"Look elenour we can try but we arent promising anything. This is a bad idea to start, I can't even imagine that this would work. Louis is too smart to know that harry suddenly switched sides."

"Maybe. But maybe not if Harold is distant and moody with him a while before he finds out. Trust me. This? This is the perfect plan."

"Alright we'll get it set up to start next week. If this doesn't work though I don't want you running back to me again. It's bad enough you're here now."

"So...we have a deal?"

"Yes elenour we have a deal."

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"Harreh hurry up! You know I cant sleep without my cuppa. Not to mention the fact that you are my pillow and pillows arent supposed to just get up and walk away"

I hated how whiney my voice sounded but I didnt care at the moment. I was tired and thirsty and very uncomfortable. I just wanted my harry.

"Well Lou make up my mind do you want me as your pillow or your cuppa? Cause I cant be both at once, its just not possible for me to be in bed letting you use me as a pillow while making your cuppa at the same time."

Okay so maybe I'd begun to frustrate harry just a little, but I couldnt help it I was tired as fuck.

"Why cant I just have both? Its not fair."

"Louis your acting like a child again. Do I need to get the pacifiers out to shut you up and satisfy you?"

"Fuck off Harold you know I hate that."

I could almost hear the smirk that was most likely plastered on his face right this moment.

"Really? Cause that's not what you were saying last time we played in the bedroom."

Suddenly I couldn't help the string of curse words and grumbles that came from my mouth moments later, but harry had my cuppa and he was already climbing back into the bed adjusting so that I could lay back down across his chest. So I guess I was happier now.

"Better?"

"Much better, thank you."

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