Love In Boxing Ring

Sharing the pain

With enraged steps I came to my room slamming the door shut behind me. I could not decipher what's wrong with me. I continued pacing between night stand to the door of my bedroom. The bed,the covers, everything which came in contact with him seemed staring at me, asking so many questions that my body started to ache and I struggled to keep my steps steady.

I slowly crawled onto the bed, a sense of something familiar settled on my veins. Subconsciously my fingers reached out to the place which last night was filled with warmth....now it was empty..... and so was I....! As soon he left my place that morning, a part of me also left with him craving for more. But for what.....? Is it sex that I am longing for.....? I wondered like a lone wolf without a pack. But soon my alpha pride returned suggesting that I can have any man and woman I want to.....But my mind retorted,  completely ignoring me and  questioning my sense of pride '.... so why can't I get him out of my mind'?

'why are you so obsessed with him '  Linda's question lashed hard on my mind. First it was to satisfy my ego then it turned out to be fun to tease him, to annoy him to  the edges. I didn't even realized when did he turn into my obsession. I thought I was being a bad ass, a cool guy with nothing to worry about,a douche who don't give a shit about others and don't let anyone affect his own world. But it did not come to my senses since when I made Mathew the center of my world, resolving everything around him. For past few months I was only concerned about Matthew this or Matthew that...... nine out of ten thoughts that crossed my mind were in one way or the other somehow related to him.....My head was heavy with all the buzzing thoughts inside me dragging me to the verge of insanity......

It was past ten when I woke up. For my surprise dad was still downstairs, waiting for me to have breakfast. 'doesn't he have anything to do or he knowingly is trying to annoy the living shit out of me' I thought while dragging my chair out of the breakfast table.

"so....?" he raised his chin and asked in a serious tone"... everything alright  between you two? ".

"...... " I was fucking startled with the question and could not find words to  react.

"I know that look in your eyes" he waved his finger at my face".... A wanton desire. I know you. After all I am your father"  his hands fiddled with the cutlery.

"You don't know a shit about me and stop calling yourself my father.... ".

"Enough......" he growled with fury slamming his folk on his plate" I tried not to burden you with my guilt. A guilty that I am carrying alone since your mom died. I was shattered and lonely just like you...." his tone softened for a moment and rest of the words trailed off in thin air.

"Stop lying...... you have no idea what I have been through without mom...." I retorted with agonized heart.

"I am not lying. You were too young to understand how I felt, and too fragile to know the truth. Do you know what happened to your mom wasn't an accident...."he stood up from the chair and strolled to my side. Placing a shaking hand on my shoulder he emphasized ".... Do you hear me.....it wasn't an accident" I resisted the urge to knock him out but just pushed off his hand and stood up to walk away but what he said next stopped me in my tracks "....... It was a murder. she was murdered.....do you get it. The love of my life died coz of me......" and his voice dissolved into tears "Of course the people responsible for the accident are behind the bars but the reason of her death I......your father is still alive. Had I never been in this business world your mother would have been alive " for a moment I forgot to blink, frozen in place i forced myself to turn around. The man in front of me was so miserable and gloomy that he couldn't be compared to the man I had known for so long. With damp eyes and twisted face he tried to hold back the tears from falling off and gulping the saliva down to his choked throat he sniffed"..... I was afraid to lose you. I didn't want to endanger you. So I thought you would be better off without me....but I was wrong....."he shook his head in disbelief and neared in my direction. I was still too shocked to move a finger ".....In order to protect you physically I managed to hurt you emotionally. when I called you back I thought you would be alright but It was too late to get you back. You were completely gone. You build a wall around you to never let anyone inside except George who you trusted. Truly speaking I was jealous of him. Jealous of your approximation with him. But you changed a bit.... You let Maria come closer to you and you started to open up. I was happy and sad at the same time. I wondered what the reason could be for the sudden change in your behavior. Then Henry told me about you and that guy" he smiled between the tears "First I didn't believe him but when yesterday night I saw you two sleeping together in your room.....!
you were relaxed and your anguished face was calm and contented".

' what..! you sneaked into my room'  I glanced at him in disbelief .

" I hope you to do the right thing and don't repeat the same mistake which I did by pushing away my loved once....."he gave me a suggestive look before walking out of the house.

At the noon I visited my mom. On our way to cemetery George confirmed whatever dad told me . It pained me to know that we both were on the same boat suffering alone with the same wound. I started to identify with him. We were alike at least in the matter of pain . No doubt dad felt guilty for so long blaming himself every day for her death. But that's not his fault. At least now I know why he pushed me away. Why he distance himself from me ' he was afraid to loose me' . This time coming back to mom's grave, I felt less lonely coz of the fact that I actually have a caring father and an unknown smile tugged on the corners of my lips.

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