Fighting to Feel

Fighting to Feel 1-Introduction

*IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END*

"He proposed! Carrina, can you believe it? He's asked me to marry him!" I watch as my younger sister Serena blunders up the victorian stair case of my house. She runs into my room and flashes the huge diamond on her hand.

I smile, "It's lovely Serena, congratulations."

I cannot help but feel a pang of envy and sorrow as I watch my younger sister hug my mom. I will never get to feel that kind of love with a man. It is certainly not because I lack personality or brains, but beceause of the artificial facts of beauty.

Deep, angry red scars carve the right side of my face telling the brutal stories of my past. Half of my cheek is sunken in due to too many breaks in my bone, my doctor could not salvage it. Some people would say that I am the female version of Two-Faced Harvey Dent. While the right side of my face is disfigured my left is still lovely as ever. My olive toned skin is flawless, my cheek is rosy and my lips as supple and sultry as an angels. My hazel eyes are the only things that show who I truly am. A broken woman who had to learn to pick herself up.

Even though it is only my family who comes to visit me I still pull some of my long auburn hair over my shoulder to cover the right side of my face in an automatic gesture.

"It is lovely isn't it?" My mom asks adoringly as she takes her daughters hand. "We have to start planning the wedding now if we are to set the date of your wedding in the summer Serena. We have much to do."

Serena nods enthusiastically, "Before I go, Carrina I wanted to ask you if you would like to be my maid of honor." She sits down next to me and takes my hand, "I know it's not your thing but I would love it if I had my sister stand right next to me as I say my vows."

How can I say no to my only sister? I would do anything for her. She is the only one that still looks at me as her older sister. Not the ugly duckling. My parents cannot even look me in the eye without wincing. "Of course I will Serena. I would love to. I'll even wear the hideous dress if I have to." I tease.

She squeals, "Thank you so much Carrina! And if you have to know, the dress that I choose for my bridesmaids will look lovely on all of you."

I am fighting a losing battle, "Okay, but please no ruffles." I shudder.

Everyone laughs at that. My father, Daniele pats my shoulder. "You will look beautiful in whatever dress your sister decides on." I smile a real smile at him. He may not be able to make eye contact with me for more than a moment but I know that he's trying to get used to me or rather my face.

Not long after I say good-bye to all of them and shut my door. I trudge back up to my room and plop down in, completely drained of trying to put on a facade for my family.

In all honesty, I wish it was me being proposed to by a man who would look at me like I am the one who brings him the most happiness. I wish that my damaged face didn't affect the way people judged me.

So instead of dwelling on something that will never happen I immerse myself in training. I need to fill that empty void with something. But no matter how hard I train I can never forget the way people wince and laugh at my face, or the way people will smile at me flirtatiously until I turn my head and allow them to see the other side of my face and hear them gasp in repulsion.

I push myself harder, imagining that I'm running away from all of my problems. That isn't the only reason why I train. I train so that I never have to feel defenseless ever again. So that if I ever come across the man who did this to my face I can give him the same pain that he dealt me five years ago.

All of my pent up frustration was getting no where so I decided to go for a run. Putting my hoodie up to shield my face I set a fast pace and my mind instantly went into a zone where I only focused on the pavement I was eating up.