Sykeskarth: a Guide For Dummies

Blessed With a Curse*

Dear Alex.

I'm writing to you with the knowledge that I probably only have a few days left to live. I'd message you, or call you, but it would break my heart to hear from you. So, I'll be old fashioned, like you know I've always been. A hopeless romantic, chasing you and trying to get you to see, trying to get you to understand. But you never did, and maybe it's for the better. I never deserved you, and I was a fool to keep hoping. I knew you for a mere 2 years, my feelings only developing maybe 6 months into knowing you, first a crush, and before I knew it I was blessed with a curse, the curse that comes with loving you. Whether you were just oblivious to my love, took it as a passing joke, whether you avoided my love, ignored it, I know I deserved it. But I love you nevertheless. The day I told you I loved you, was 2 weeks after the first symptoms of my disease. Hanahaki disease. I knew what it meant, I knew I had to make you love me, but no matter what I did, my feelings were never returned. I love you Alex, I do. The rose I got tattooed on my throat? I told you it was because it was pretty. It is. But I did it for you. A tattoo to remind myself for the next few months what's wrong with me, and what I am doing for you. That I'm giving my life up for you. So when I die, and no more petals are coming out, my body will forever have etched in the reason for my death. My stupid, stupid love. The petals only got worse throughout the months, my lungs itching and burning, my windpipe closing up when feeling yet another petal crawling its way to freedom. They portray Hanahaki as one of the most romantic things, and I suppose it is. I suppose me letting myself suffer for you to the point of death is romantic, will you think that? I guess I'll never know. I most likely will have taken my last breath by the time you get this letter, but you couldn't change anything anyway. Our hearts have a mind of their own, and I can't force you to love me. Sometimes I wondered if you knew what I was going through, if your heart was cold enough for you to not care. But I know you were oblivious. I hid it well, almost too well. The last 3 months were the worst, and if it wasn't for you drifting from me, maybe you would have noticed. I never wanted you to though, I know your conscience would have eaten you alive, but you couldn't help the inevitable. I was born to love you and I will die loving you. I'm glad you found your calling, I'm glad you made friends, made a band, were starting the career you always wanted. I'm proud of you baby, I am. If it weren't for my life expectancy I'd never let myself call you that. But baby, god baby, I love you so much. If you had just given me a chance, I would have treated you like you were the only boy in the world. Because to me you were, only you mattered. My disease is killing me, my lungs are filling up with roses I wish I could give you, I can barely breathe now. But loving you suffocated me by itself, maybe the petals just gave the realism to that. Anyway, the purpose of this letter is to tell you what I've wanted to say for months. I am crazy about you, you're all I think about. I've loved every little thing about you, like the way you twist your fingers in your hair when you're tired, the way you smile when you're genuinely happy, the way your hair is so messy when you wake up, the way you bite down on your lower lip and tap your foot when you're concentrating, the passion you give off when you sing, there isn't a single thing about you I don't adore. Even the way your hands curls in boys' hair when you kiss them. You think I never saw you kiss other boys, but I did. I was just unlucky, being the best friend and nothing more, always wishing for your lips to press against mine the way they do with others. I was never good enough though. Never. I'd ask for help, but can you fix the broken? Can you help the hopeless? What could anyone do? The answer is nothing. Truth is, death is better than life without you. I hope one day you find someone to settle down with, get married, adopt a kid. I wish the life I wished for us upon you, and I hope he treats you well. I love you, and I hope you miss me at least a little. Goodbye Alex.

Yours, and always yours forever, Oli x