I stood there,my bare feet on the cold tile. All of the memories of our freindship, our love rushed through my head. I checked my phone hoping there would be a goodmorning text from him, even though i knew there would never be another text from him ever again. I droped to my knees screaming at life. Tears rolling down my face eventually creating a puddle of my tears. Then the most ironic thing happened. I heard his voice in my head. His voice was there trying to calm me down. Just hearing his it instantly soothed me. It took away all of my pain, all of my sorrow.
I slowly lifted my head wondering if it was his voice comforting me, or if i officially lost my mind. It was very real. His voice more clear,more sweet then ever. I could feel his warm breath on my cheeks. I felt like i could just reach out and touch his face. If i could just taste his lips one more time. Just thinking of him made me lose it. I almost broke down once again then i felt his body against mine. It was almost as if he was right there with me. I felt his big arms wrap around me. I could start to smell the colone he alwsys wore. Soon enough the tears stopped and so did the shaking. Insted i was warm in what felt was his arms. I heard his voice again. His laughter, his smell, the warnth of his body, it was almost as if he was in the room...but he wasnt....or at least not physically.
I went to school very depressed that day. It pretty much went by in slow motion. It was even more painfull then ever. Everywhere i walked, he was holding my hand, everywhere i looked, he was there...even though he wasnt there, my mind placed him there. I went home and collasped on the foot of my bed. I rolled up into a ball and started sreaming bloody murder. Almost as if i was being stabbed in the heart, it sure felt that way.I cryed and cryed until i couldnt cry any more. I layed in the darkness of my room. I rolled over and saw him. He was laying right next me. Holding me. He began brushing my blonde hair back just like he always did. I stared deep into eyes. It seemed like his eyes didnt have an end. Like they went on and on forever. I stared, he brushed my hair through his fingers until i fell asleep. When i woke up, of course he was gone.
I went to school that day a bit happier than the day before. I sat there in 5th hour thinking about him. How 5th hour was his favorite hour. He sat by me everyday. I thought some more about how i keep hearing him, seeing him, smelling him almost as if he never was gone. Then i realized one thing. I realized that i only saw him when i was feeling pain, great pain. I began to think that i needed to feel more pain.
As soon as i got home i thought what could cause me the most pain. I walked into the kitchen and saw the drawer of knifes. I didnt want to do it but if it meant seeing his face, i was down for anything. i opened the drawer and touched the knife, then he screamed:
"STOP"
His stern voice frightened me so i dropped the knife.
" I know this is hard for you"- he wispered in my ear
' but like always, ill always be there for you, even though im further away from you, im actually closest then i ever was."
I didnt care. i got mad, not mad at him but mad that i wouldnt see him ever again. I picked up the knife and began slitting my wrist. It hurt bad but i couldnt help it. It worked. I felt him grabbing me, trying to get me to stop. I wouldnt though. By then i just wanted to bleed to death. Maybe it was better then living life without him, living through HELL.. I felt him holding me from behind holding my wrist as if he could stop the bleeding. I cryed and screamed some more. My mother came home from work and heard me screaming. I knew that at this point i wouldnt die. I began stabing myself in the stomach. Four times until my mom was able to stop me.
I began to wake up. All i saw around me was white, pure bright white. I thought that i had finally died. Then i saw it. I saw Gods face and behind him was the love of my life. I ran to him and he huged me again. It was the most happiest moment of my life. His skin was glowing even brighter then before. He showed me around of what appeared to be heaven. I wanted to stay sooo bad, but i couldnt. God told me it was time for me to go home because he needed to answer my mothers prayers. The next thing i knew i opened my eyes and saw the nurse. She smiled and asked how i was feeling. Well i just stabbed myself 4 times trying to kill myself from deppression of my boyfriends death!! i just wanted to yell that at her when she asked how i was feeling. Instead i just told her i wanted more medicine. She left and my mom replaced her presence. I wasnt so thrilled about seeing her. I didnt want to see anyone except my baby. I missed him more then ever.
The nurse came back and put 2 needles into my arm. I wasnt so thrilled about that either ughhh. Until i started to instantly feel the medicine rush through my vains. It made me sleepy so i just let the medicine do its work and i slept. I dreamed about him again. We were in a medow full of vilot and blue floweres. It was just me him and the sound of the pirching birds. Us layining there side by side. His smile, his laughter just seemed to fill the whole dream. Then BANG BANG. I heard gun shots just like the ones on that day. They sounded just liked the ones that took the precouis life of my love. I looked to my left and saw a hole in his chest. Blood pouring out and he was still smiling at me. I couldnt do anything to help him but lay there and stare. I touched his cheek as he slowly started slipping away. i woke up in the dark hospital room that was only lit by one single lamp.I guess i had to stay the night there. i was pissed. I just wanted to go back home and attempt my mission of death again.
