Friends With Benefits

20.

I'd gotten everyone to keep their mouth shut. I told my mom - at first she wasn't excited. But she had my back - we cried it out & our bond developed even more. Mac & Bec were planning a gender reveal. Mac would be the only one to know however. I sighed looking down at the bump that was starting to develop.

Zach was taking over his father's business - his parents were going through a divorce. We hadn't spoken much - since he was working hard to finish high school earlier & all of that. He was very smart. So it wasn't impossible. He seemed stressed - so I always failed to mention I was pregnant with his child. I didn't know how he'd react - if he'd be happy. He was coming home for my birthday. March 12. My birthday & a meeting he had to attend for his father.

His father too was going through it - drinking away his sorrows. Hardly leaving his study. He was depressed. He'd given his wife everything- but inadequate attention. Not because he was cheating - but because he was working to supply the lifestyle she wanted. To make her happy. To provide for their kids. He'd often ask to go to meetings with her - travel , but she'd always declined. I didn't want that for Zach. I didn't want him to be under as much pressure as his dad or my mom. I didn't want our kid to not have their father around. If he wanted it. If he didn't. It was okay with me. I wanted this baby. I wanted to love it & give it a life.

Maybe that's the real reason I didn't want to tell him - I didn't want him to not want it. I didn't want him to regret us having. I didn't want him to regret our child. I wanted him to come into the world feeling loved & wanted.

I heard the kids whispers when I went to the supermarket in tube tops.

Some said i looked too young to be pregnant. Some said I didn't look like the type to get knocked up. Some said they were sorry for me. Some asked if I knew the dad. Some gave condolences for my social life & my now inability to go to parties.

I was never the type to party - it wasn't my scene. So there wouldn't be much I'd miss out. Having a child never stopped anyone from living their lives either. I'd gotten into Ivy league schools. Since i'd done my exams earlier than the other students & had sent in application. I didn't know how that'd work. Balancing taking care of the baby & going to Law School. I'd printed the shirt for Zane. But the belly would ruin the surprise. So that was no longer necessary. I clambered up the stairs. Mac & Becca , as well as my mom , had already started shopping baby stuff , unisexual clothes for now. We were waiting until after the baby reveal to decorate the nursery. Also since I was planning to get my own little apartment. Close to school. I didn't want to live with my mom , while I had a child. Even though she was hardly there. She told me the truth that I wasn't the only child. That she'd gotten knocked up when she was 15 & gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby boy who she later had to give up for adoption because of my grandparents. Tears fell from her eyes as she told me. She'd even attempted suicide. She takes care of him - but he doesn't know. He's a doctor , she fueled his tuition. He never knew that. He still doesn't. He's a cardio thoracic surgeon. Since she told me about him - I wished to meet him. Maybe he'd be like Derek or Sloan. I am a certified MD , thanks to Grey's Anatomy. I laughed internally at my stupidity as I folded the tiny socks that were scattered on my bed. I was I was 3 months pregnant , moving on to my fourth. Three months keeping my baby a secret from my somewhat of a boyfriend. He'd ask to take a break. So I guess I was single. Things weren't working out - mostly because we hardly spoke , etcetera. He was still upset about catching his mother cheating , the divorce , him having to take care of his brother , since his mother was out enjoying her life & his father was in a dark place. He himself was in a dark place & I wish I could pull him out. I wish he'd never let my hand go that day. Maybe i'd still have a hold. A way to pull him back into light. I wanted the baby to be it. But I wasn't sure. I wanted to be , but I wasn't.

~*~
The place was warm - but I had on one of his oversized hoodies , so the bump wasn't very noticeable. It honestly wasn't on its own - the hoodie just guaranteed it. Guaranteed that it didn't show. I sat down waiting on him to come through the airport automatic door. When I saw him a wave of nervousness washed over my body - I never felt nervous around him.

" You're wearing my sweater." he smiled.

I nodded. Forcing a smile.

" You look beautiful." he kissed my forehead , entwining our fingers , walking over to my car. " You okay ?"

" To some extent,"

" I'm sorry for not being here. I'm sorry i'm a mess. I want to be here with you. I want to hold you & love you. But life's more hectic that when we first met & we were just wild & free. Well I was wild. You were pretty much the opposite. If you've found somebody & want to move on." he put his hand on the door handle , as if to open it. " It's okay , i'll find my way home." I put my head on the steering wheel. " I'm pregnant."