I'm sorry but...
I love you..
There. I said it.
And although I can't say it straight to your face,
(Which kills me inside and I am truly sorry)
You need to know I mean these words.
It feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. As if I can finally breathe again, the thread that tied my lips shut for so many years has finally been cut, and the wire that sliced into my wrist has finally loosened...
When you said 'I love you' last night with tears clouding your vision, my heart skipped. I wasn't alone in this feeling, but anxiety quickly took over with the idea that I'll fuck up and hurt you in some way, shape or form, because love is dangerous and I love you.
I've never seen anyone I care for say those 3 words and not hurt for months after because someone did not mean the words that was said, someone did not care, someone would rather hurt others than be vulnerable for once in their god damn life.
When I think about saying those 3 words to you, My throat burns as though I am a demon saying the word 'god' for the first time, as though I have been choked and am currently grasping for air, as though someone has poured straight molten lava directly into my stomach. But fuck me is it worth it because although I'll have to tear down my fortress of safety and I'll have a looming fear of being hurt, of being vulnerable once again, it's worth it... because I love you...
I'll be able to say those 3 words to your face eventually. The same three words that seem to part seas, the same three words that seem to start wars, the same three fucking words that seem to make men and women crumble to their knees. Eventually, I'll be able to say.... I love you.
I'm sorry that I can't say it to your face, but those 3 words scare the living hell out of me. I'm sorry that I can't say it to your face, but my anxiety pictures all of your reactions sending me into panic attacks each and every time. I'm sorry that I can't say it to your face but I fear that you would actually hate the idea of me actually loving you...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that i love you...
