Why?
Why does everything still hurt?
Why does my chest still have an unliftable weight upon it, even though you're not in my life anymore?
Why does my head still spin at the thought of how my decisions could impact you?
Why does your feelings and your opinions have a factor in the way I live my life?
Why, even though you're not in my life, do all of these things keep happening?
Over and over and over and over and over...
That seemed like one too many overs and yet it was the perfect amount, proving my point of how you affect my life and how you make it feel so imperfect and so uncomfortable...
and yet, no matter what I do, there you stay.
In the same denim jacket, in the same seat, in that same fucking art room, with the same songs on repeat.
No matter what I do, there you stay.
In that same looping memory in my head, In that same hole in my heart, in that same section of my life.
No matter what I do, there you stay.
You're not staying there alone at least.
You're there with my best friend.
The same best friend that left me because you are better than me.
The same best friend that helped me through so many tough parts of my life.
The same best friend that left me who deserves better...
I miss that best friend though.
She made my life worth it;
She righted the wrong,
She fixed the broken,
She wiped the blood from my skin,
She removed the evil from my life,
She shielded me from the hate of my own flesh and blood...
She helped me in more ways than anyone could ever imagine
and now she hates me for something I didn't do.
It's all my fault really,
If I wasn't scared of how people would react to my feelings she wouldn't of felt like I had lied to her.
If I didn't try and give it another go she would still be in my life.
If i didn't meet you at fucking all... I'd be able to cry on her shoulder still..
I wouldn't be here,
at 2AM,
On my bed,
Crying as I type my feelings into a poorly constructed poem on a barely working laptop.
I wouldn't be here,
questioning my existence,
holding my tears in as to not alert anyone cause god forbid they know I'm upset.
I wouldn't be her making excuses on your part and everyone else's part.
But it's fine.
Because, you're happy, she's happy, my family is happy, my friends are happy, and people believe that I am happy.
People believe that the smile I put on in school and in pictures is true and that the jokes that I make are just that. Jokes.
But as long as you're happy,
As long as everyone else is happy, it's fine.
I'm fine...
