"Earth to Dante..?" Travis' hand waves in front of my face, interrupting the weird daze I was in just creepily staring at him.
"Oh- sorry, sorry. What were you saying?" He looks disappointed. Great. I can't be upset though, watching him flip through the leaf of papers in front of him.
"If you want me to help you with this stuff, you gotta listen, man." He huffs, brushing his hair from his face.
"I am listening!" I was totally not listening.
"Uh-huh." What a snarky jerk. ..Not really, the face he's making right now is just as cute as all the other ones he makes. Fantastic, this is worse than I thought.
He keeps flipping through his papers for a second, until he looks back up at me. It's really hard to not immediately look away.
"..Hey, Dante. You doing okay? You keep spacing out. If you want to take a break-"
"No, no, no, I'm fine," He doesn't look convinced, and the awful nervous laugh I let out doesn't help my case. "but a break, uh, would be great..!"
"Thought so. I'm gonna out real quick and grab some-"
"Uh, no, I'll do it! I'll do it, what do you want?" He seems kind of miffed that I keep interrupting him, but I'm on autopilot mode right now.
"..You know what coffee I get. I'll pay you back later, promise this time!"
Aaand that's another coffee I'm not getting paid back for. Not that I care, I'd probably go bankrupt for him. Man, that sounds really, really gay.
"Uh- yeah..! Be right back."
"Thanks!" He calls after me, awkwardly escaping our crappy apartment as fast as I can.
His coffee sounds gross. Actually, coffee in general is just gross. The ungodly amount of sugar he puts in his probably actually makes it better, but it still makes smelling it when I'm on my way back from a coffee run a shitty experience.
When I get back, he's still hunched over our crappy coffee table, and his head pops up the second I open the door. His concentrated face from less than a second ago has turned into a huge grin,
"Bluuue! You're the best!" It makes me happy that he uses that cute nickname for me as I set his coffee down next to him.
"It's no problem, Trav." I don't know if he appreciates my nickname for him as much, but whatever. It's still special to me.
"But, uh.. I think I'm gonna go hit the hay."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Have fun, and I know I just bought you coffee, but at least try to get some sleep?"
He pouts like a second grader. "Fiiine. 'Night!"
"Goodnight." I glance over my shoulder just once to see him hunched over his work again. Even now, he looks as handsome as ever. I hate him so much.
.
I can't sleep. Normally, I could blame it on the annoying upstairs neighbors who never know when to turn off their stupid shitty music, but it's dead silent.
It's probably about time I face the truth, anyway: I'm up late because I can't stop thinking about him.
How his hair frames his face just perfectly, the way he smiles, the different ways he laughs.
The fact that I'll never be able to tell him anything I really think about him.
It hurts- way more than just emotionally. My chest aches, like my heart is actually, physically breaking, and I'm not really sure if it's supposed to do that, but I wish it would stop, so I can sleep.
There's definitely tears coming on, and it's definitely just because of the chest pain, and nothing else.
It's definitely not because he's out on a date with some girl I've never met.
I would never be completely and totally jealous enough to cry over that, not for a second in my life.
..Definitely.
He's talked about her a lot- Katelyn. I hate her, and I don't even know her.
Apparently she's besties with Aphmau, and they dated at some point, or.. something. I wasn't listening much at that point.
She's apparently the best girl in the world, and apparently works out a lot, and apparently everything Travis wants. I don't know why.
It kind of cements the idea that no matter how much I want it, he's never going to see me that way. It probably would've already happened.
Fuck this.
This hurts too much- hell, I can't even be around him without thinking about just randomly reaching out and holding his hand like some kind of weirdo. He's the one doing this shit to me. I hate him so much.
.
"Oh, crap! I forgot I told Katelyn we could study together.. My bad, Dante."
He doesn't call me Blue anymore, and I really don't know why. Maybe he calls her that. I've seen her- blue hair, just a different shade. Yeah, that's probably it. He spends more time with her anyway.
"Oh.. uh, that's.." No, no, it's not okay.
"Travis? Can you tell her you're not coming?" I meant to explain before I asked, but the words just fall out.
"..What?" He turns, and he looks confused, but not quite as confused as I am about why my brain isn't working.
"I need to talk to you about something, it's.. important." Why am I doing this. Why am I bothering to do any of this.
".. What is it? I don't really know if I can cancel," He pulls out his phone, he's probably just telling her he'll be late because his roommate is five years old.
"..Us."
Travis seems to think that's funny, because he laughs and gives me a curious look.
"Uh, what do you mean by that..?" He's still smiling. I think that's going to change here in a second.
"Are-.. Travis, god, be honest with me. Are you fucking stupid?" That is absolutely not what I meant to say, and now it feels like I'm going deaf, and my entire body is melting, and also I'm going to die.
"That's-.. okay, Dante, what the hell's up with you lately?" And now he's upset with me. I'd be upset too, if somebody said that to me, but it hurts to see him look at me like this.
"You keep being an asshole about me going out, and.. you hardly even pay attention to anything I have to say." Lucky for me, his tone softens, "You changed, a lot. Did something happen, is there something wrong?"
"..Travis, I love you."
It comes out as barely a whisper, and I want to hit myself over the head with a brick. Or maybe just climb up to the top floor of the building and jump off.
"What?" He didn't hear it. Great! So, I can just.. change the topic, or something.
Except, no, he's mad, he's worried, he deserves to know why I'm such a piece of shit to him about his new soon to be girlfriend.
"I love you."
There we go! It's out. And I still want to stop existing.
"..Dante? You mean.. You don't mean that as friends." He states the obvious, like he always does, glancing down at his phone.
"Just forget I said anything, okay? Go hang out with your girlfriend." It comes out much harsher than intended, and he.. glares at me. That hurts, just a little.
He listens to me. Travis leaves with his bag slung over his shoulder. It doesn't matter how much I cry about it; he doesn't come back.
He tells me he's going to move into her apartment instead. He's coming to get his things in a day or two.
When he comes by, he doesn't say a word to me. He leaves with his things, and now I'm alone in a crappy apartment that I can't pay for by myself.
I hate him so, so much.
