Transformative [HIATUS]

1 - Worst Day of my Life

First day of college. Alex already knew it would suck.

Getting out of bed was as easy as ever; freshing up, eating breakfast, packing the bag. Then came the searching through the dresser. For Alex, being Alex wasn't an easy piece of the cake. The school would know Alex as no one else than Alex J. Mercer, eighteen years old, male. Male. It was the cold, hard truth, and everyone in school would say him. It didn't feel right. It wasn't right. Ever since the pep-talk with the local psychiatrist so long ago, Alex had realized that. Alex was Alexa. He wanted to be she. He was a she, had been since forever, and would so remain. Her sister and closest friends had accepted that. Alex went with she/her, clothed as she/her and acted as she/her. He was she.

But now, with her hands on the knobs of the top drawer of the dresser, she hesitated. What the hell would she wear? On the first day of college, if anyone would check the school records, they'd see Alex's name and see a masculine pronoun. But Alex was Alexa. Alexa was, as close as may be, a female. She didn't want to be called Alex. Didn't want to be called a male. It wasn't right. She wished Dana was here. Her beloved sister would've known what to do - what to say. She would be able to make Alexa feel better about herself and her choices. But she wasn't, and Alexa would have to settle this on her own. She forced the image of her sister into her mind. Her smile, encouraging words and soothing voice made her feel just enough better to pull out the drawer and rummage through it.

Ten good minutes of searching, picking, changing and re-changing, and she'd found a knee-long navy blue skirt and a white blouse that she tried on. She studied herself in the bedroom mirror before deciding it'd have to do for now. She proceeded to the bathroom to get her hair and face in order and allowed herself another minute of studying herself. She knew exactly what Dana would've said if she was here. Gorgeous. Ice blue eyes stared back at her in the mirror, eying her up and down until her short burst of confidence vaporized, and she covered her face with her hands in shame. What was she thinking? She couldn't go to college dressed like that. Fury filled her when she felt tears burning behind her eyelids, and she ripped off the clothes and threw them straight into the laundry basket. She went to wash off the make-up and froze when she looked at herself. The very slight stubble on her chin was barely visible if you didn't look closely, but she saw it. It enraged her. Why couldn't her body just not be so masculine? She wiped her face with a clean towel and marched grumbling back to the bedroom to slam the dresser shut. Why did she even keep it? Why did she have clothes she knew she would never use?

'Because you want to'.

Alexa flinched at the sudden voice in her head. It had been quite a while since her inner demon had made itself heard. So many years she'd almost forgot about it. While she was pissed that it dared to try and convince her of how she felt, she was also thankful to have it remind her of her reasoning. The only reason she bought and kept clothes was because she loved it. Shopping and dressing up had been one of the many activities she and her sister had engaged in during the summers of their upbringing. That and heading to the beach for a swim and to grill hot dogs over an open fire. Dana had been so positive and accepting towards Alexa, and had helped her out so incredibly much during her identity crisis.

A vague memory from some time during grade school surfaced. She had been ... ten? Ten years old and wanted to ask a cute boy if he wanted to play. During the time when she had just started to realize she wasn't like the other kids. She hadn't liked what other boys liked, hadn't played ball or tag during the break time, hadn't been interested in teasing the girls for the fun of it. Alexa had enjoyed being alone, studying the other girls and their dolls from where she sat on a bench in the schoolyard, hiding behind a book or her bag. She had always thought they had so nice hair, round and cute faces. She had been jealous. She had also wanted to be beautiful. The other kids didn't seem to notice she was different. She had just been distant. The smart kid that kept away for the sake of her studies. Not that any of that was true...

Then she'd gotten into High School. The hardest time of her life. It pained her to think back on that time. God bless her sweet sister Dana for being there for her. Alexa quickly shook her head and pushed the memory out of her head. She didn't need to remember. It was in the past, and couldn't be changed, no matter how hard she tried. She had to focus on the present. The present and nearest future, which was to get dressed, get going and get through the first day. Once today was over, she could ponder on what she did wrong, remember it and change for the better when the next day arrived. So for now, clothes. What should she pick that wouldn't point her out as an obvious outsider?

'Get the blouse and get going. Don't be such a wuss. You'll rock it babe'

Her inner voice was trying to get her confidence back up, she knew that. But she'd already pretty much made up her mind. She didn't want to go to college dressed in girl's clothing and risk getting picked on first thing she did. She'd already made that mistake once. She didn't want to do it again. Nu-uh, no way. "Piss off" she said aloud, flinching at the deep, ragged tone of her voice. That was also a downside with being biologically male when you wanted to be a female. No matter how hard she tried and how much she dressed up, her voice was still the same. That would be a major problem if someone ever talked to her. She considered the choice to pick boyish clothing and get classified as everyone else. But it wasn't comfortable. Squeezed in the wrong places and sagged even worse. Not to mention the fact that everyone would call her a him. That certainly wasn't right. She sighed and picked her phone from on top of the dresser. Hopefully Dana would be awake to answer at this time. She pressed the unlock button and-

Shit.

Her first class started in twenty minutes. It was at least a ten minute walk, and she'd have to find her locker and the classroom. Shit- Fuck- Shitfuck! The anxiety had suddenly vanished - replaced by panic - and she ripped open the dresser to pick the first thing she got a hold of - light blue semi-tight jeans that reached barely down to her ankles. This could totally work with the blouse! She got dressed quickly, fixed her hair to not look like the messy crows's nest it was, and hurried to the door. Her red flannel, shades and bag got snatched on the way; sneakers on, and after locking the door behind her she was out and away. It wasn't until she burst through the entrance doors of the school that she realized what she was wearing, and the anxiety was back in a flash. She froze. This had been a bad idea, a very very bad idea. Ice blue eyes darted back and fourth to see how many was staring and judging her.

'Chill out princess, it's not like they know who you are' her inner voice assured her. Or at least it tried to. She was too deep in her anxious thoughts to listen to anything it could possibly say to her. Her cheeks burned with heat, and the tears burned behind her eyelids. It pissed her off. She stubbornly pressed her emotions back and hid her face behind her shades and short, messy hair. Dammit, she'd brushed it only minutes ago. She marched off, following her mental map with her head low and gaze never lifting from the floor.

1:105 ... 1:108 ... 1:112 ... 1:115. First class, first year of college, first thing she'd do without her sister by her side. This was going to be the worst day of her life.