Not Yours But Forever (Draft)

Part 1. THE END.

Death is not an excuse for not feeling anything. It's a fact. A fact that you face standing naked, defenseless, like a new born child. A punishment you're ought to carry, even if you don't understand your sentence.

I didn't choose to not love, or feel, or even do anything. I didn't choose to be a ghost, I was meant to be one. The moment I knew my parents were dead, I was left with no choice but to try grasping at the life I was left with. To continue living by any means, even if it meant to freeze. I was breathing; I won, even if I didn't taste the air anymore.

It helps, to be ruthless to yourself, cruel even. It helps, to treat yourself as a bad person and act like one. You don't owe anything anyone, not even yourself, which makes you no one. And after all, that is all you need.

***

"You live as long as you can feel, you know," Hope said, her voice thin and a bit sleepy.

We were laying on the roof of a building that smelled like an old wool sweater and sawdust. It was getting dark. I put on my sweatshirt and closed my eyes. The cool of the approaching night dissolved my fatigue. Hope's head weighed down my shoulder, but I didn't mind. She wiggled, trying to find a soft spot of me to lean on and groaned helplessly.

"Mia, you're the worst pillow ever," she grumbled, finally letting go of my already numb shoulder.

I smiled. She wrinkled her freckled nose as she always did when she was bored. Her blue eyes, with white lines and dots that looked like scratches in the ice, were narrowed as she stared at the sky, looking for something. Finally, she clapped her hands and cried, "Look! A single star!"

I looked in the direction she pointed to. For a long minute I couldn't make out anything in the fading sky, until a little star emerged from the clouds.

"Make a wish, quickly. Did you make it already?" Hope said almost in a whisper.

What can I wish for? I glanced at Hope's smiling face. She was biting her lip from excitement, holding my arm with both her hands and squeezing it a little, as if to make sure I felt all the amazement she did. After a pause, I lowered my head and closed my eyes.

Please, never leave me.

"I'm done, okay," I said, laughing at the sight of the triumphant grin on her face. She tilted her head and patted my shoulder as if saying "that's my girl".

My phone started ringing. I glanced at the screen–it was my grandma.

"Grandma, hi!"

There was a crying on the other end, or rather a howl punctuated by sharp breaths and sobbing. I clutched the phone tighter. "H-hey what's wrong?"

"Oh honey!"

It was difficult to discern anything in my grandma's trembling voice. I listened to her for some time; a long time, I suppose. I wasn't sure I understood what she was saying. I didn't want to understand it. My whole body became light, almost weightless, and I thought if I took a step off the roof I might float away. But my stomach wouldn't let me. It felt like a black hole, numb and heavy, so heavy that I couldn't even get up.

As my grandma talked, hiccuping from the long crying, I thought about why I couldn't hear my heart beating. Can a heart stop beating without you really knowing it? I suppose mine did.

"Honey, let me p-pick you up, okay?" Grandma blew her nose, not taking the phone away from her ear. The loud sound echoed in my mind a thousand times louder, drilling in my head as if wanting to rip it apart. Suddenly I felt my heart again. It was racing now, faster with every new second. One moment and it halted, but then reluctantly picked up speed. I closed my eyes. A strange fatigue covered my body like a cold, thick mist; I knew it could hide me from anyone, even from myself, but just for one moment. I wish that was enough.

"Mia–"

Hope's hands let go of my arm. Her worried voice was like a lullaby, one of the many Mom sang to me back when I was afraid of sleeping in the dark. My lips stretched in a soft smile before I stopped feeling them.

"Mia, what's wrong? Why are you so pale? Mia? Mia?!"

Darkness.