Feelings: It's Complicated

Bleh

Love and crushes: I wish I didn't feel these feelings. They're so complicated and I can't tell either of them from each other, I want love but I can't even tell if people love me or not. People say I'm ready for a relationship, but I'm seventeen years old and going on eighteen I should be ready for a relationship by default because I'm going to be an adult and relationships matter at that time. I just need to be loved at all cost, not being love and being alone is the worst outcome to have. Because being alone would equal not being loved and cared about. I am aware that hardly anyone cares about me, so being in a relationship would be my reassurance that I am cared and loved for and that I'll have a future ahead of me. I need to be in loving relationship in order for me to feel like I matter, I need love, I need kisses and hugs from someone. I know I feel something for this person, I just dunno what to do with these feelings. I'm afraid to be in a relationship as much as I need to be in one, I just don't want to be betrayed again. I don't want to be left behind, someone breaking up with me means that I failed. I'm a failure now, but if another relationship fails: I'll be a much bigger failure. People expect me to be have a for-sure future, this is one of the ways to have that future: to be loved.