letters

the last

friday - 6:27 a.m.

this week was shit.

i've been up for hours. i've been up for hours processing everything that's happened to us for the past year. i've been trying to understand for hours but i still don't know what did.

i hate fighting with you, but for the past year we've been in a constant battle of who can keep the question they've been wanting to scream out in for the longest.

yesterday, we both lost.

i was tutoring you. not bothering to make any of this personal again. (because i know that would be a big fucking mistake that i don't wanna make again.) so i focused on reviewing you for the fourth quarter finals.

"why weren't you here on tuesday? i waited for you." you spit out.

"nick and i went out."

"well you could've texted at least." you say rolling your eyes.

"okay. that's it. i'm done." i stand up, gather my things and start walking away.

"just answer the reviewer i made and you'll be fine. goodluck!" i say sarcastically as i hurry out of the library. i can hear you running after me.

why are you running after me?

"what the fuck was that?!" you scream out.

good thing no one's still here because i scream back.

"what the fuck was that?!" i scream, mocking you. i don't even turn to look at you.

"stop running!" you say grabbing my arm.

"fine! i'll stop running and start fucking asking." i turn to look at you.

"who fucking told you that treating the birthday girl or any girl for that fucking matter was nice gift? because you're learning from the wrong teacher."

you fell silent.

"well?"

"i'm sorry." you mumble and i get even more upset.

"i was buzzed and alone and upset and i'm sorry. i shouldn't have taken it out on you." you ramble.

"seriously? that's all you're fucking sorry for?" i say and walk away.

"why do you hate me so much?!" you scream in frustration when i get further away from you.

"take a fucking guess!" i scream back.

i'm still walking away and this time you don't come running after me. on the way home all i could think of was the reasons why i hate you.

i thought maybe i hate you because you're a liar. or maybe i hate you because you don't know how to treat women right. maybe i hate you because you made my sister and mother fall in love with you just like i did. maybe i hate you because you hate nick. no, no, maybe i hate you because you ruined my birthday and didn't even try to apologize the next day.

then i thought,

maybe i hate you because i wake up screaming at 2 am every single night just because you come into my sweet dreams just to turn them into nightmares. or maybe i hate you because you treat me like i don't exist when you once treated me like i was the only thing that meant anything to you- maybe i hate you because i'm the one who's broken down on the back side of my door shitting myself about the fact that i'm still fucking in love with you. (even if right after you told me that you wanted to be with me you left and made me fucking wonder for five damn months if you were ever coming back.) maybe i hate you because you didn't come running after me.

no.

i fucking hate you because you said you loved me back when you didn't.

why did you do that?

Aide