Life of Ana

9/12/2018

This is a first time in awhile I had Ana thoughts creep back on me like poison and it sucks. I hopped on the scale the first time in a long while and it read 130lbs.... I couldn't believe it I was almost brought to tears. I hate myself for getting so big. I was maintaining in the 120s. Now I am back at 130 pounds? This morning was a bad day with eating. After school I stopped eating and I exercised a little bit. I just hope I can have self control for the rest of the night and hopefully tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day after that.. and so on. I think you get it.

Control has always been a big need in my life. I always needed some type of control. When I was little I had little self control with my mom being a drug addict. My alcoholic dad I never saw. Nothing was in my control. I started caring what the scale said and it just gave me the control I need. I always loved being in control of my weight and what I ate. 

I've always had a good thing with numbers. I loved adding calories and planning meals and being organized with what I ate. I remember any numbers like the back of my hands. I know calories on most the stuff I eat for googling it every time I ate back in the day. I usually only are for calories never considered sodium or any others because I simply never understood it. Calories are simple. I feel so exhausted right now. just not eating the second half of the day has drained the whole life out of me.

I have these size 4  black jeans I had gotten at old navy and I can't wait to fit comfortably in them. If I squeeze my stomach and hips in them I can "Fit" but that means all my fat squeezing in that area. I want them to fit comfortably or maybe even loose. I just want to have control. It's not even about being skinny anymore. It's just to have something in my life I can do how I want.

I've been trying to stop biting my nails, it's a life long habit. I saw my mom do it all my life that I can remember so I started and never had stopped. Hopefully I can quit biting.

Sorry this chapter is random. I kept bouncing from subject to subject. That's what my paper diary's do too, just a bunch of ramble.

-SL