Life of Ana

9/15/18

Yesterday went okay for me at the least. 

it is 3:14 PM and I'm already at 300 calories for today.

breakfast bar - 130

5 saltines - 60

then i waited awhile and ate

5 saltines - 60

gogurt - 50

I feel so fat honestly. The yesterday morning I had weighed in at 133.3 but this morning I am 129. It's probably water/food weight honestly but I still feel proud that I saw a number go down even if it's not true fat. God I wish I could cut all my fat off of me. I honestly never have put down a specific goal weight my thoughts were always to see how low I can get. but being like 95 lbs sounds pretty ideal to me. I hope when I'm skinny I'll look how I think I would. You sometimes see the pictures of the skinny girls and their bodies look weird idk. Like one it was this girls hip bone and it looked like it has muscle? Bodies are confusing to me lately. Might update later for right now, Peace!

Update: Mini binge on 2 chewy bars (200) :(

=500 so far.

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 i fall asleep by counting ribs not sheep and i wake up to a galaxy on my ceiling and my worn out feet step on & off (and back on & off) the scale and then it's time to drown my organs in a sea of water and green tea and i wonder how many calories i burn just by breathing and i cut my food into tiny bites and i scribble numbers into tattered notebooks and sometimes i need to feel full just to know i'm still a person so i find myself on another grimy bathroom floor, teeth pressing into my knuckles and i run until my bruised knees buckle and i get high on feeling like michaelangelo when i carve bones out of the softness and i scrape the salt off of pretzels and i dig my fingers into my abdomen to try to push my hunger away and i stare into the mirror & am confronted by my own decay and i don't care because i can see my collarbones and i watch the world go from day to night just by standing up and i get full on oxygen and i fall asleep by counting ribs not sheep

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So I binged on poptarts and chips and all kinds of shit, I purged it up till I saw blood.