To All The Boys I've Loved Before Contest

To the only boy I've loved before

To the only boy I've loved before. And I️ mean 'loved' in past tense. You no longer give me butterflies, but there was a time when I️ would have given you the world.

Two years. We will be celebrating two years as 'best friends' this month. These two years have been filled with everything from 4 am calls where we couldn't keep our eyes open and our breaths were faded, to conversations ending in tears, whether from shared celebration or mutual frustration. I️ don't believe in love at first sight, but from the moment I️ met you, I️ knew you would be important to me.

We talked for months about any and everything. I️ told you about all of my small daily victories, whether it be as minute as scoring well on a test or that I️ didn't have a lot of homework. But we shared even harder times still. Times when I️ experienced death, both of soul and mind. I️ lost myself, but along every turn, you were right there, guiding me back to where you were. Holy ground. It's safe to say you meant a lot to me. It's even crazier to say that I️ wasn't the first to say it.

You told me you loved me, but I️ told you I️ didn't know how I️ felt. I️ had silently lobbied for you for months, mentally retracing the way it felt to hear your rough voice over the phone and the way your smile met your eyes. But I️ had always told myself I️ couldn't have you. We would never work, so I️ never tried. But there you were, laying it all on the line. But I️ was afraid, so I️ did the only thing I️ knew how to. Retreated.

It didn't take long for you to find me again, and after rolling the word around on my tongue for more than enough time, I️ was finally able to tell you how I've felt all along without even realizing it.

I️ was the first to tell you I️ was in love with you, because as we had both discussed multiple times, 'love' is a universe different from 'being in love.'

I️ remember everything about it. More specifically, how I️ didn't tell you the moment I knew. It was late, and you called me after I️ had already fallen asleep. Although you were kind enough to want to hang up and let me be, I️ begged you to stay. Just to listen.

We didn't talk, you focused on your work while I️ focused on you. More specifically, the way you breathed in the life of me so easily and the way you let it out just as recklessly. And every time I caught myself drifting off, I️ would hear you breathe and my heart would pick up, like a butterfly's wings beating against my chest, longing to be righteously set free. It was a tortuous cycle, but one I gladly endured. My heart longed to be where you were. It longed to feel like this every night falling asleep.

There was a time when I️ would have given you everything, but sometimes crushes are just crushes and first loves are just that. You're no longer my world, but you will always have a special part of me. This is a letter to the only boy I️'ve loved before. Loved. Past tense.