The Failings of the Sphinx

4 A Yellow Like Freedom

"Joyous first year, my Nadia." I kissed my baby on the forehead as I set her down and sat in the chair next to her crib. 

I have never been a good mender that has never been my chore to see to, I always was more of an embroiderer. So the trial of making Nadia her birthday crown has been a dismal task. The first year the crown is always done of two opposing materials to show that the child's life can take two opposing routes. Or something, I can barely remember the lessons my mother taught me, I never thought I would be raising a baby girl without her help. I stare at the fabric I try to shape into a flower. 

Ophelia walked into the room to check on us before she left for work.

"Why don't you let me do that." she says coming over to my failed attempts at making Nadia's first birthday gift.

"It is the job of her mother, but I seem to be failing at that." Ophelia comes behind my chair to tug the misshapen flowers out of my hand.

"Spend the day with her Sasha, worry about your family traditions later. I will be back around eight tonight if nothing pops up at work. Bye." She goes over and kisses Nadia on the head. I know it wasn't a mistake to let Ophelia help but I also know that Ophelia wants more from us then we can give her. 

At first it had just been the kindness of her heart letting two strays into her home and life. Now I also know it was because she was alone among the masses. I don't think we can be the family she is looking for. 

Though I so dearly wish we could. I wish I could stay here with Nadia and forget about my home. But having Nadia didn't erase my fears of pursuit. I feel more paranoid each day, I need to move us along. I said I would never run again and I'm not, I'm just going forward. 

Maybe it is my own cowardice to look over my shoulder and never feel content, to punish myself for my decisions. This place would be the perfect home for Nadia, but it is not for me. 

Ophelia has helped me acclimate to San Diego and it is a lovely place but I can't stay. 

I hear Nadia make some sound and get up to check on her, she spit up on herself, I fetch a napkin to clean away the spit up, Ophelia tells me its healthy.

Its odd the things I never knew about babies, servants took care of my babies and though I had prided myself on feeding and caring for them much more then other ladies of my status it seems I didn't know half the things a baby did. The nannies had always kept the unclean things about my children away from me. 

I remember one of my boys would appear with a scraped knee or some other minor injury but it would always be dressed and any tears kissed away long before I got to my children. How much of their lives did I miss?

I stare at the yellow stain now dotting the napkin, a yellow like freedom, unpleasant maybe but I was here. I got to know my baby now good and bad. I could control my own life. Here decisions weren't made for me and though that thought was daunting and scary and sometimes to much to think about. I had a choice to make, like every other choice I had made since I ran away from an estate full of servants who made my life pristine but also more a fairytale then real.

I looked at the flower crown I was making, pink. I push the failed petals aside, I had been trying to make the delicate blooms cultivated in the green house. Now I reached for a distant color and a different memory. I wasn't allowed out of the estate but I could see over its walls from one of the towers in the east end, there was a field of wild flowers yellow and untended by any human hands. Sometimes I used to watch flower girls pick them to sell at the market. I hadn't known their shape though, they where only distant little blobs of color.

Then one day a flower girl came into the estate, I ran down to meet her and I'm fairly sure I overpaid her for the wild flowers. She smiled, "My lady if you like them that much I can come back and bring you more every so often." she looked behind me at the looming estate. "It must not be easy." she stated.