This Won't Be Easy

Part One: Can I Be Heard?

Living in this world isn't easy for me.
It's not easy being around people who make you feel ashamed to be who you are.
I understand that life wasn't created to be a walk in the park.
I understand that overcoming obstacles is a part of life that can make you stronger.
Sometimes, I don't want to be any stronger. Sometimes, I want to break down and cry. I want to show the part of me that makes me a human being: my emotions. I want to be able to do these things and not feel guilty for it, like I have for my entire life. I feel ashamed to live in this body, I feel disgusting and I feel unworthy.
I want to be better, look better, change every aspect of myself, like I've done time and time again.
But what's the point of it, honestly? I feel as if no matter what I do, what I say, how I look, or no matter what I achieve, I will never be worthy of the adoration or the recognition. Do you know how it feels when you feel like there isn't a way to make the ones you love happy? I don't want to constantly feel like I'm failing everyone but the honest truth is that I feel like this every single day. I put a smile on my face because I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want to be a burden or an inconveniece. My name is Casey but I feel like I don't deserve be identified.

I feel like I'm drowning in my own mind. Are the thoughts going to swallow me whole and completely destroy me? Or is there a slight possibility that I will reach the surface, stronger than I've ever been? Can I make it out of this? Can I be heard? Can a girl that feels completely worthless and invisible be noticed? Can anyone see that I'm struggling and offer me their hand? Is it noticable that I'm numb? Is the pain behind these dark brown eyes important enough to be spoken about?

I went through the things in life that no one wants to imagine that would happen to anyone, especially them. I unfortunately got to see the terrible parts of life before the beautiful ones could find their way to the surface. It's mentally exhausting to feel afraid to leave your bedroom. It's mentally draining to feel like the anxiety is so strong that you're about to collapse. This isn't what I imagined life to be portrayed as. I just wanted to live a life that I could see myself and be proud of the person I had become, not resent every fiber of my being. I want the greatest things in life for the ones that I love but I never include myself in those thoughts and feelings. I would be so grateful to see the people I love be happy until the day the life left their bodies. My heart is so full for others but it feels hollow and numb when it comes to me. I want to feel as if I am as valuable as everyone else. Will I get to experience that feeling or am I absolutely insane? I definitely don't wake up and plan on feeling this way every single day. I want to be able to get out of bed and feel like my life is just as important as anyone else's. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not cry. I want to actually accept myself for the beautiful person I deserved to be, not this person that is so damaged by the words that everyone in her life used to portray her. No one deserves to believe they're worthless at four years old. No one should see themselves at a young age and already hate what they look like.

People always have told me, "How can you expect anyone to love you, if you don't love yourself?" That answer is simple. I do not expect anyone to love me. I don't expect anything from anyone because I have faith that one day, just one person will look into my eyes and see a person that wants to be loved and feel validated. It isn't easy to love who you are, when raised around constant negativity and hate. Low self esteem isn't something I expected myself to have at a young age. I wanted to be the girl that all the boys wanted to take out on dates and give flowers to. I wanted to be a girl who could be herself. I didn't want to be put in dangerous positions. I didn't want to be forced. I wanted to choose when certain things happened to me: unfortunately: life had other plans for me.

It hurts but I am still breathing.