can't let you go // jonghyun

하나

it was a brisk evening in cheongdam-dong.
i tied my hair back into a low ponytail before starting to make food.
my mother was working late once again, and i prepared noodles on the stove for myself.
the sound of the boiling water was all that was heard in the silence.
i grew disappointed as i served them, realizing there weren't many beverages at home.
i could have water, but it wasn't fitting.
there was a convienence store right around the corner.
i grabbed a heavy coat and slid on my boots, sliding in my earbuds and putting up my hood.
i patted my cat's head who sat on the bookcase before leaving, "i'll be right back."
i locked the door behind me and played "hello" by nu'est.
as i walked out of my apartment complex, i was hit with the cold wind.
i focused on the fact it was close by, i just had to hurry and get there.
i got inside, grabbing some sodas and juices from the fridge.
i also grabbed a few snacks in case i wanted to have a k-drama marathon later.
my hood blocked the view of a man next to me. his hand touches the same bag of crisps as me.
i immediately bow out of apology and respect.
he bows in return, slowly.
i make eye contact with him and my heart sinks to my stomach.
i knew who he was.
kim jonghyun of shinee.
i was going to start listening to them, i had heard a few of their songs but they weren't one of my bias groups yet.
i give him a small smile, "i'm sorry. go ahead."
he gives me a half-bow before picking up the bag of crisps and handing them to me, getting the bag behind.
it was a kind gesture to me.
i look in his eyes again, the silence in the store was even more loud than usual.
the cold wind hit against the store's windows.
he was dressed in two coats, one underneath and one puffy one over that one.
he looked fairly bundled up, but there was something that felt very off.
he had a dark, sad look in his eyes.
it wasn't the same look i had seen in him.
it was almost as if the light had drained out of him.
should i tell him i know who he is?
no, that's stupid.
he glances away, probably uncomfortable that this teenaged girl was staring at him.
"thank you jonghyun." i say, in a whisper.
his eyes slightly widen but he just gives me a sad smile afterwards.
"i should be leaving now. take care." he says, bowing to me and walking away.
i feel my heart aching, something was screaming out to me.
i'm sorry, jong. i can't let you.
i let a man go in front of me so i wasn't awkwardly standing behind him.
there was something telling me i couldn't let him go home.
i kept pushing it down, afraid of looking like a saesang or something.
i watched him ask for the cigarettes, holding a fizzy drink and snacks in his other arm.
he paid for his things and kept his head low, exiting the store and walking directly up the stairs to the parking building.
i paid for my snacks and drinks, bundling up again to go outside.
as i stepped outside, i heard loud noises coming from the parking garage.
i frowned from the uncomfortable sounds before walking quickly on the sidewalk to return home.
something didn't feel right and it was making me sick to my stomach.
a car came around the corner in front of the building.
it was an apartment complex building, which made even less sense as to why a car was driving very oddly. it's accelerator was incredibly loud, and it's tires kept screeching.
it turned around on the street up ahead and i just watched in shock as it came back, repeating the same pattern.
as it passed by me, i looked at the driver.
it was jonghyun.
what the hell was going on?
i gripped on to my bag tighter and walked back to where his car was heading.
he turned around again, slowly, as if he was taking an exhale as he returned to the parking entrance.
he was speeding, but i knew he wouldn't stop unless i did something.
i took a sharp inhale and stepped out into the street.
he wouldn't be able to pass me any other way.
i shut my eyes as it came closer.
a few pedestrians gasped.
the car came quicker and quicker and slammed on the breaks in time, quite close to where i was standing.
i opened my eyes and was met with the glassy eyes of kim jonghyun.
i pressed my hand against the front of his car, trialing my fingers along the side as if i was keeping an imaginary hold on it.
he rolled down the window.
we both were silent for a moment, he was searching my eyes for something that i did not understand.
"are you okay?" i ask, my voice coming out in a shaky whisper.
he blinks once, slowly.
i hear his staggered breathing after i ask the question, and his head shakes the faintest nod.
"can you come back to my apartment and talk to me.. please?" i ask, softly.
he slightly bites on his lip, his eyes appearing much more glassy now.
i walk alongside his car as he parks on the street.
he didn't speed away like i feared he would.
"i-i don't have much time." he tells me, quietly as he gets out of the car.
i furrow my eyebrows, "why not?"
he says nothing and looks away from me.
i slightly tug on his arm, not wanting to force anything out of him.
he was trusting me enough to come with me to an unknown apartment with a stranger.
when i got to my building, we walked to my apartment together and got inside.
i took a deep breath as we took off our outdoor gear and shoes.
i walked him over to the couch and gave him a thick blanket.
he stared blankly at the window.
i would give anything to know what he was thinking.
i returned to the kitchen and put the noodles in the fridge, my appetite was no concern to me now.
i poured a glass of cold water for him and gently set it on the side table next to where he sat.
i sat on the couch as well, far enough away to fit 1-2 people between us.
i didn't want to overwhelm him or make him feel any worse.
after a moment of silence, his lips tugged upwards.
it was for a half-second, but at least it happened.
"t-thank you." he spoke, lowly.
i nodded and stared at the floor before glancing up at him.
"what's going on, jonghyun? i-i know you don't know me, but.. i'm worried." i mumble.
he shakes his head, "don't worry about me. i'm fine.. i should get home soon, i have— yeah."
he moves slightly but i rest one hand gently on his arm.
"just.. talk to me. honestly. you can go after if you want, but i can't let you go home like this." i say, more sternly than before.
he slowly glances at me before looking back at the window.
i take my hand off of him and he exhales another staggered breath.
he breathes in again, as if to start a sentence.
nothing comes out and i watch as a singular tear flows down his cheek.
"p-pain. so much pain." he whispers.
i turn towards him more, my eyes watering from his tone of voice.
i blink slowly, "where does it hurt?"
his bottom lip trembles slightly as he looks at me.
"everywhere." he mouths, tears beginning to pool in his eyes.
i feel my eyes fill with tears and i try to blink them away.
his eyes shut and he started to lean forward.
i lean forward slightly as well with my arms open, just enough.
he moves forward on purpose to miss the couch and end up in an embrace instead.
i look down at the broken man who i held onto and watch as tears roll down his cheeks.
his almost silent crying turns into choked out sobs, as his body shakes rapidly.
i hold onto him tightly and adjust my body to fit him better.
i rub his back gently, the blanket now across the both of us.
my heart was broken for him.