can't let you go // jonghyun

둘

he sobs for about 5 minutes, until his breathing slows.
for a moment i think he's going to sleep.
"what's your name?" he asks, softly.
i look down at him, "jiwoo."
he nods, "thank you.. jiwoo."
he sits up slightly, but still close enough for his legs to be resting against mine.
"where is all this pain coming from, jong?" i ask, nervously.
i hand him a tissue in case he wanted to dry his eyes, and he does.
he gives me a slight bow before doing so.
"there's a lot of reasons. i'm s-so depressed, jiwoo. no one sees my struggles, no one cares enough. how could you tell?" he asks me.
i sigh, "i haven't been through what you have.. i can't imagine the pain you feel, but i was very suicidal at one point and extremely depressed.. and it's not gone completely, but it's gotten easier to handle. i saw the same pain in your eyes. i didn't want you to go home like this. i couldn't let you."
he stared at the floor and tried to stabilize his breathing.
it was silent for another moment but i placed my hand on top of his and looked into his eyes.
"whatever is going on, whatever your pain is from.. jonghyun, i may know who you are but i don't know you.. but i can tell you for a fact that whatever you're facing is not going to last forever. you are fighting through each day in the spotlight, and you are so strong. you have touched so many people's lives, and in the least simple way possible. you are so passionate and have unbelievable amounts of talent. you are doing enough. you are more than enough. if i could take your pain i would, but you have to know that you matter. you may be having a battle with yourself, but you are not alone in it." i vent to him, making sure he hears my words.
tears stream down his cheeks again and he leans over, giving me a proper hug this time.
i feel his body shakes as he lets out silent sobs.
"i just want it all to be over. i-i can't do it anymore, jiwoo."
i shake my head as i absorb the weight that he carries on his shoulders.
"you are going to make it through this. i'm right here. who else knows about this stuff?" i ask, continuing to use a very soft tone.
he sniffles, "at this level? just you. the other members know i get depressed, but not at this level. i got therapy but they told me to be strong and pull it together, as a man.."
my eyes widen and i look at him, gently wiping his tears.
this would normally feel so not okay to do, especially to him.. but it looked as if it comforted him more.
i needed to pull him back from the mental edge he was on, before i could induce more reality.
i faced him and pulled him into a full hug, his head resting on my shoulder.
his fingers pressed into my back as if he were clinging on for his life.
"you don't deserve this pain but i'm here, okay? we're gonna get through this right now. take things minute-by-minute, okay?" i assure him.
he nods and takes more steady breathes.
this is all i was hoping for.
please, jonghyun.. just keep breathing.
suddenly sirens broke the quiet as they approached.
blue and red lights shone through the apartment windows.
there were 3 police cars, in a row. they were slowing as they got to the end of the street.
"o-oh.." he whispered.
i look down at him even though i can't see his face.
he reaches to his pocket and i watch as his hand shakes as he turns his phone on.
his eyes were bloodshot from crying, but he appeared to be somewhat more stable.
i refused to leave his side until we found safe ground.
he was turned in a perfect angle so i could see his screen, it was white as we waited for the lockscreen to open.
more tears spill down his cheeks, "i can't begin to clean this up, too.."
"clean up.. clean up wha-"
i don't get to finish my sentence as i see the 647 missed calls pop up on his phone, from all kinds of people.
344 missed texts.
i rub his arm, "jong.. hey.."
he shakes even harder as his finger can barely unlock his phone.
he sends one text to his sister.
i look away out of respect for his privacy.
he locks his phone and sets it on the coffee table.
he lays down in my lap, his expression almost blank.
tears roll down his cheeks as an ambulance parks in front.
i didn't ask, but he still answered.
"i'm not supposed to be here right now." he speaks.
i slightly shift, "i'm not kidnapping you.. if you're uncomfortable, i completely unders-"
"no. i'm not supposed to be breathing." he whispers.
the air in the room changes as i process his words.
i blink, "you-"
"yes. i sent a message to my sister, which is why the police are here. i was going to come home from the store and set fire to coals in the apartment, until i couldn't breathe anymore." he speaks, plainly.
i wrap my arms further around him as we both stare at the windows.
small rain droplets began to form, which somehow said much more than we could.
"you noticed. you saved my life without even knowing it... without even really knowing me." he speaks again, his voice so soothing.
i felt tears form in my eyes.
this broken man just wanted someone to see his pain and his struggles.
he was hurting so badly.
i tried to process his words, but i was so shocked..
"you must be so.. so tired. exhausted. shouldn't you rest now? sleep is healing." i suggest.
he nods slightly, his eyelids appearing heavier.
"is this your own apartment?" he asks me.
i don't see a point in lying to him.
"my mom will be home around midnight." i answer.
he grabs my hand and gently pulls me up, sliding his phone in his pocket.
he drinks a few more gulps of the water before standing by the door.
"pack a bag for the night." he says, glancing to the hallway where my bedroom was.
i didn't want to leave him, even though that's messed up.
he seemed much more stable than before but i wanted him safe.
i quickly packed a bag, putting in spare clothes, pajamas, my hair brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, perfume, deodorant and a little makeup.
i came back to see him sliding on his first jacket.
i run to the desk and grab the notepad, writing a note for my mom.
i grab my keys, wallet, phone & charger before sliding on my autumn gear.
i assumed he meant.. staying over at his house?
"i guess i should have asked this sooner, but how old are you?" he asks, quietly.
i glance at him before i close the door behind us, locking it before leaving.
"18." i answer.
he nods, "okay."
he takes my hand and carefully leads me down the stairs and out the front door.
we can see all the ambulances and police lined up.
i rub his hand with my thumb for reassurance.
this will be one of the hardest parts.
no, it wasn't like it was some love mission or some girl came around and made him feel okay suddenly.
i happened to notice how much he was struggling, when no one else seemed to.
no one should be alone in this.
we begin to walk together, which seemed like a bad idea because i didn't want him to get even more hate for being seen with me.
i bit my lip as we got closer to the apartment complex.
some first-responders were waiting around outside, and as soon as they saw jonghyun they started screaming.
i squeezed his hand as they began to shout inside.
"breathe." i whisper.
he takes a deep breath, just like i said.
his mother and sister run outside.
i let go of his hand to give him privacy as i step back.
"are you okay!? where have you been? what's going on!?" his mom frantically asks.
i notice she looks me up and down as well.
i know, ma'am. i'm a teenaged girl stranger walking with kim jonghyun. it's new for me too.
he takes another deep breath before speaking.
"what matters is that i'm alive. i love you both, but i'm very tired. can we talk tomorrow, please?" he responds, his voice quiet.
his mom was quite beautiful, and so was his sister even though the situation wasn't the greatest to be in.
i glanced behind his mom to see the news van pull up, as well as fans with large cameras running down the sidewalk.
i stepped forward and gave a small point, and he looked where i was looking.
he immediately grabbed my hand, kissing his mom's forehead and patting his sister's shoulder before running with me inside.
he shakes his head and i can tell he just wants to rest.
"we were just about to break-in. glad you're okay though." one of the responders inside say as they pass us.
he exhales deeply as i walk with him to his apartment.
he unlocks it and as we step inside, i can hear his breathing get shakier.
i shut the door behind us as he buries his face in the palms of his hands.
"you did it. it's going to be okay.. can i do anything to help?" i ask, not wanting to make things worse.
he reaches forward and hugs me.
not just a normal hug, a proper embrace.
the absolutely healing kind.
he lets out sobs again.
i can't imagine how hard this life would be, let along after dealing with your demons.
he kicks off his shoes and throws his jackets to the floor, waiting for a moment for me to do the same.
i grab my bag and bring it with me.
he puts away some things in the kitchen and tells me he's putting on pajamas.
i use the bathroom to get in pajamas as well.
when i get out, he's in his pajamas.
he looks so innocent and extra.. yes, cute.
he was so cute even after crying so hard, and it seemed like he wasn't even real.
he grabs my hand again and leads me to the bedroom, laying down on the bed and kind-of pulling me with him.
i set my bag on the floor.
"is this okay with you..? i just don't want to be alone right now. i just want to sleep.. but i'd be scared to sleep alone." he whispers, his voice sounding so broken.
i feel comfortable here and want him to be safe, and have never viewed stuff like this as inappropirate.
i'm just helping him.
he gets under the blankets and i don't move.
he protectively holds my waist and slides me underneath as well.
i was a bit cold, but was now being warmed by his body.
he faces me and i watch as a piece of hair seperates from the rest.
i gently brush it with my fingers back with the rest.
he shuts his eyes as i do so, looking more relaxed.
he hadn't opposed or anything, so i decided to do it a few more times.
his breathing gets heavier as he slowly goes to sleep.
"goodnight, jonghyun. rest well."