L Y C O P H O B I A

6. The Letter

A/N: (1694 words) to avoid any confusion, this is a flashback to Remus' time in Hogwarts. This chapter deals with suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt. Stay safe!

'Dear Marauders' Remus started writing. Through his tears he could hardly see the words. Still, he decided that it was not right.

'Dear..' He immediately scratched the word when his d looked more like a p.

Remus sighed deeply. He was tired of life and just wanted it all to end. As much as he wanted to just get on with it, he knew he had to write this letter. He couldn't just leave his friends in the dark after all the pain he has caused.

He actually couldn't imagine anyone being sad with him gone. Maybe then Dumbledore could take that dangerous tree away. And with the werewolf gone as well, safety would be ensured again at Hogwarts.

'Dear Sirius, James and Peter,' he tried again, this time somewhat happy with what he wrote.

'I will miss you,' he continued with his small cursive hand writing.

'I hope that you will remember me as a good friend, and not as a dangerous werewolf. That's why I am taking my life. I am sick of being a monster.'

He left some space for the following words.

' I love you.'

Then, at the bottom of the page he wrote with a shaking hand,

'I'm sorry'

Remus left it at that. More wasn't needed anyway. They'd understand why he had done it. He gathered his quill and laid it down by the rest of his school utilities.
He hid the parchment on his bed, and drew the curtains shut. Hopefully they will think that he's asleep and leave 'him' alone, even though he truly won't be there anymore by then.

The boys were eating their dinner, classes were over. The full moon was yesterday so it was perfectly fine for Remus to be tired and not hungry, thus staying alone at their dorm.

He sighed deeply, knowing that this might be his last day on this world. Unless.. Unless he's a coward and doesn't do it. And he's not a coward. He can take his own life.

Remus left the dorm and went up to the astronomy tower. Once there, he took a sharp razor - one of Sirius' - out of his pocket, sighed again, and braced himself for the seething pain that would follow.

He dragged the razor up his left arm, from elbow to wrist, cutting open skin and vein. Red blood soon followed.

He started to cry, not just from the pain but also from the things he couldn't help but think.

Is it really the right thing to do? Yes, it is.

Nobody wants to live with a disgusting, dangerous werewolf, who in his daily life was bisexual and way too nerdy. Antisocial, bad at potions. Anxious, ugly, fat, weak, stupid, unloved, down right deserves to die.

The lycan started sobbing harder, reminding himself of all his flaws.

Would Sirius care? He asks himself as he braced himself for another cut.

No, he wouldn't, and he clumsily dragged the razor down his right arm, this time from wrist to elbow. He already started feeling quite lightheaded. He was already dizzy from the transformation the day before, and just looking at the amount of blood on the floor..

Sirius only loves you to piss off his parents. In fact, he doesn't even love you. He's just around you so he can tell his parents that his boyfriend is a gay half blood werewolf. The ultimate nightmare for Walburga Black.