Dear J,
It almost happened, once upon a time. I almost told you everything. It was during that school trip to Williamsburg. I was so glad we got put in the same group. Four days of getting to memorize more than your eyes. Cool as the sky outside our Greyhound window on a cloudy day surrounded by trees. Peaceful and inviting. It's like you saw that there was more to me than I was willing to reveal. That didn't stop you from trying. Four days of attracting more than your sense of humor. You always made sure to include me in the joke. Even if I rarely spoke a word. Four days of finding a love that's more real than all the stories I made up in our English Class. But spoken words were never my strength.
It could have been Day One when I snapped a photo of you in the museum without you noticing. A difficult task with a disposable Kodak. I was afraid I'd never have the chance to capture a memory of you again, it being our last year together. Looking back, I should have probably asked. Maybe you wouldn't have been so far away.
It should have been Day Two in the continental breakfast hall. There was something in the way you looked at me when you asked if I had watched Smackdown the night before since we were both huge fans. Of course, I had. If only we could have watched it together. Not that I would have had the courage to invite you, even if all the students' doors weren't taped shut. I wasn't even brave enough to sit and eat with you and your friends.
It would have been Day Three when we were walking down the cobblestone road toward our nighttime debate. Our faces were lit by the light of our tour guide's lantern and you were right there beside me. So close, all it would take was a deep breath for our fingers to brush. But we weren't alone. I froze and you walked right by. Never even knowing what was on the tip of my tongue.
It was supposed to be Day Four. It was serendipitous that it landed on Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, my red Victorian blouse was far from romantic. I felt so embarrassed, but you told me I looked nice. I almost believed you. It was the first compliment you ever gave me. I just wish the candy in your hand was for me.
I had plenty of chances, but none of the confidence. Not until today. You were the one for me. The Cory to my Topanga. It's been years now, but I occasionally find myself back in that amusement park of what ifs. It's magical but lonely. No more bated breath. I'd rather risk getting my heart broken in the fall than to never set it free to fly. And who knows, maybe you'll be there to catch it for old time's sake.
Love,
N
