noah centineo imagines

bodies (pt 1); ♢▽

summary: you have body dysmorphia and you get to the breaking point.
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who i saw looking back in the mirror was a stranger.

for the entirety of my life, my self image had been varying between both extremes, and it was exhausting.

i cant keep thinking i'm a 10 and then the next minute thinking i'm literally the ugliest human on the fucking planet. it's messing with my head too much.

for the past month, i'd been feeling the ladder. but i just assumed that it would pass, like it always does. but it hasn't yet.

it's gotten to the point where i don't even recognize my body in a mirror anymore.

i was just done.

but no, i had to get ready for noah's friend's party.

i turned to the side and stared at my stomach in the mirror. my mind started spewing every possible negative thing. i looked at my butt. i looked at my thighs.

i analyzed every single part of my body in that mirror. my mind listed hundreds of things wrong with me.

and my mind was right.

i spent 15 minutes staring into that mirror. i was still in my bra and underwear.

the bedroom door opened, my head shot towards the door.

noah walked in and saw me. i'm assuming he was gonna ask me something, but he saw me in my underwear and smirked.

"you're hot" noah said and smiled before he turned around and closed the door behind him.

hot.

somehow his compliment made me feel worse about myself.

hot.

i'm nowhere near hot.

i turned to the bed and saw my clothes laying there.

a dress.

of course, just a nice dress to show off my ugly legs!

i bought the dress back when i first moved here, and i've only worn it once or twice, but somehow it's noah's favorite dress.

probably because it's tight.

tight and revealing.

and hot.

which i feel repulsed by now.

the thought of shoving my body into a tight dress makes my skin crawl. the thought of people seeing me in a tight dress makes my head pound. the thought of people having their own thoughts about me in a tight dress makes me want to be dead.

i can't just wear something else, because noah will notice and ask what's up, and nothing is up, this will pass, like it always does.

so, i shoved my sausage body into the dress.

miraculously, it fit.

i looked back at myself in the mirror.

ew.

i went into the bathroom. i flipped on the light and looked into the mirror.

ew.

my hair was a mess. my face was a mess.

how was this,

hot.

i quickly fixed my hair before turning away from the mirror. i didn't want to look anymore. i put on some mascara and lip gloss and called it a day.