{Minayeon} The Pulse of a Heartbeat

Chapter 8: A Heart Left Untended (Fighting for Control)

"What a day, damn," I say aloud, seatbelt over my chest, coat drenched with rain. I'm shivering but it's not from the cold. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to calm my heartbeat. It staccatos away in my chest.

What just happened? Why am I like this? Everything has been a complete blur; I barely remember the happenings in the last six or seven hour. There's only one thing lingering in my head.

Im Nayeon.

The past three days have been so weird. This awkward air between us...where did it start? When did it start? First, it was nothing, now it's everything. How did it become like this? Something in my chest tightens and hair rises on my arms.

The rain is pounding the windshield of my car, but I'm still motionless.

I don't know why.

Am I afraid?

Is this fear?

"Hey."

I finish counting the inventory of the supplies in the ambulance and straighten my back, glancing to my right. Chan is gazing at me with a concerned expression.

"What?"

"You're - I don't know...You've been acting weird lately," he states, but not unkindly. "Like a zombie. It's so unlike you. What's wrong?" His brown eyes stare earnestly into mine.

"Nothing's wrong." I turn my back to him. "You're imagining things." Deep down, I know he's right. He knows there's conflict brewing inside me; after all, he's known me for a long time.

"I know you're lying," he sighs finally. "But I'm not pushing you to expose what it's about. That's not my position to do so." He tips his head and turns to leave.

"Hey..."

"Hmm?"

"I'm a coward, aren't I."

"What?"

"I feel like I'm always running away...running from what hurts me, instead of facing it like I should. And now I'm running away from something that actually makes me feel...happy." The breath in my lungs is suffocating. "I'm just a coward. A stupid, useless coward."

I hate it. I'm losing myself again. And this fear...this cowardliness is overtaking me. The more I speak, the less control I have. I'm afraid of.... what? What am I afraid of?

"Hey, I want you to calm down, okay?" Chan directs and I realize I'm breathing shallower than normal. "You're not stupid and you're not useless. Don't say that."

"But I am a coward."

"...You don't have to be," and there's truth in his words.

"I'm... scared of remembering."

"Mina," he says, "If you find something that makes you happy enough, you won't need to remember. Their existence will be enough to break loose from those memories you keep holding on to."

I look at him and his face is honest. I know what he is saying is true again. I've been so focused on my work, on ignoring my past, on ignoring myself. I've been leaving my heart untended and the consequences are difficult.

"When did you ever get to be such a smartie?" I asked jokingly as I pull myself into the cab of the ambulance and buckle my seatbelt.

"Since I started working with you," he said in a serious voice as he does likewise in the passenger seat, though there's a faint twinkle in his eye.

I chuckle and start to reply when a radio call interrupts. A skateboarder was injured at a nearby park and our assistance was needed. It's a dark evening and there are clouds starting to form, indicating another storm is brewing. "And we just got over the last one," grumbles Chan, crossing his arms and squinting at the moon.