The Things I Never Said

There were things I wanted to say.

When you were a shaking bundle of nerves before your first competition, your face was steadily getting paler, your hands were getting sweaty and clammy even as you rubbed them together. You told me your heart was beating so fast against your chest. I wanted to tell you...

"You'll be fine."

I didn't say it. A few of our friends did it while I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't talk to you as much as they did, I felt like I was just intruding. But even as I stood there, out of place and repeatedly opening and shutting my mouth trying to get words out, you smiled in my direction. I froze on the spot. It took me a few seconds, but I smiled back and awkwardly lifted my hand to give you a thumbs up. My mouth formed the words 'Good luck', though no sound came through my lips. Still, you smiled brighter and nodded at everyone, including me, before you went and did your thing.

"You were amazing."

I wanted to say that when you came stumbling back towards us. You didn't win, but you were amazing nonetheless. Second isn't bad, is it? But that was beside the point. You were amazing, and to me, you were the most amazing out there even if the judges didn't see it. You were amazing, and I wanted you to know it. But again, I didn't say it.

Everyone crowded around you, congratulating you on second place. They were saying it was close, that you would win next time for sure. Why was no one telling you that you were great? Sure, congratulating you and saying you'd do better was encouraging, but that's different from telling you that what you already have was more than enough. It was like subtly telling you that you were missing something, like you were just not good enough,

I tried to speak, but again, my words were drowned out by my own awkwardness. My silence just mixed with the steady chatters of congratulations and encouragement. On my lips, the words continued to sit. They wanted to escape as you half-heartedly smiled at us.

"I thought you were the best."

There are things I should be sayingto you.

There are things that you need to hear right now, so you can stop hiding behind that stubborn mask, trying to make everything look okay.

"Please tell us what's wrong."

I see you smile as everyone speaks around you. I'm not the only one who wants to tell you those words. We can all see that smile doesn't reach your eyes. You smile like you're happy just being there, but the slump of your shoulders and the quiet sigh that leaves your lips say otherwise. Are you tired? You're not trying to join the conversation like you usually do. Are you sad? Did something happen recently? You never say anything about what happens outside of your interactions with us other than vague notions that life isn't as good as it should be.

Are you lonely?

Why would you be? You're surrounded by friends and family.

And yet, here you are, a sad smile on your face as you avoid looking anyone in the eye. You're so engrossed in looking away from everyone that you don't even see the slight frown adorning our faces as we subtly watch you keep silent. Why aren't you telling us how you really feel? Why aren't you letting us in?

Why won't you drop this façade?

"Please stop hiding your pain."

I should be saying that right now as you press yourself against the wall, away from the crowd that is steadily growing bigger outside. You're biting your lip, leaning heavily on the wall as you tilt your head up to blink away the tears forming on your eyes.