Toi et Moi

A Not So Happy Start

Pulling at my shirt nervously, I stare at the ground and try to fight back the tears filling my eyes. "You disgust me so much! I can't even stand to look at you!" the words make me recoil and I tighten my grip on my shirt and let out a chocked sob. The room goes quiet and I cautiously glance up only to feel a sharp pain on my cheek that causes me to stumble and fall. A throbbing pain radiates from my cheek and makes me start to openly sob. Keeping my watery gaze on the worn carpet, I stiffen in fear when I notice black heels out of the corner of my eyes. With only a second of a warning, the top of my hair is grabbed roughly and I'm forced to face the monster in front of me. "I'll give you something to cry about," she sneers at me with a terrifying glare before pulling back her hand and I tense, ready for the next wave of pain...except when it comes it feels more like a soft pat. Looking up, her mouth opens to shout at me again and I stiffen. "Evan!" I jump at the unfamiliar voice yelling my name and start to struggle. "Evan, please! It's just a dream!" What? But— "Come on, you have to..."

"...wake up." I jerk awake and immediately start to panic at the feeling of someone touching me. Trying to focus my fuzzy gaze, terror strikes me and I'm back at that place with that...that monster and no matter what I have to get away. I've already made it worse by struggling so the only thing left to do is get away.

Ripping myself out of her grip, I quickly scramble away and protect my face with my arms. "I-I'm sorry," I choke out and keep my gaze on the carpeted floor. Struggling to breathe, I feel my stomach churn as thoughts start racing through my head about what she'd say and do. Running, and rerunning, scenarios through my head, my mouth starts to water and I try to stop the bile threatening to rise up.

A hand suddenly on my shoulder pushes me over the edge and the absolutely revolting feeling of it causes me to dry heave. The nauseous feeling gets worse and before I can take a breath, I feel the bile coming up and the only thing I can do is lurch forward and vomit all over the carpet in front of me. The strong smell of stomach acid makes me gag and I squeeze my watery eyes closed and try to focus on anything else.

"—an, you have to—" The ringing in my ears starts to go away and I blink tiredly. "—down. It's okay; you're going to be okay..." Recognizing the soft voice speaking, I look around in confusion because I'm not there anymore.

Shuddering in relief, I look up and notice the woman kneeling by me. "Aunt Claire...?" I whisper out in bewilderment. "What—" I clear my throat—"what happened?"

Aunt Claire wipes at her eyes and lets out a watery laugh. "I came to wake you up for school and when I came in you..." she takes a deep breath and wipes at her eyes again before looking frustrated. "It was my fault. You looked so scared and I touched you without thinking and I...god, I know you hate being touched, but I—" she shakes her head and focuses back on me. "You go take a shower. I'll clean up and, if you're up for it, you can head to the studio, okay?"

Torn between wanting to scrub away the reminder of my dream and wanting to clean up my mess, I stand up and go to step towards her but stop. "I'll clean it—"

"Nonsense—" she waves her hand and smiles gently—"you look exhausted and I'm sure a hot shower will help you relax." I frown but nod and stand awkwardly as I watch her leave to get cleaning supplies.

As soon as the door closes, a small mass zooms out from under my blankets and latches itself onto my arm. "Evan, I-I was so worried!" The kwami cries out and squeezes my bicep with trembling arms. "Are you okay?"

The corner of my mouth twitches and I look down at the small black and white rabbit. "I'm okay now, Blann." I state and offer my ungloved hand for him to sit on. He floats over but stays hovering above my open palm nervously. Smiling lightly at him, I say, "it's okay, Blann, you're the only one I can really touch."

Reassured, he drops down onto my scarred palm with a smile. Holding him in one hand, I tiredly stumble to my dresser and grab my clothes and hide him in them. Leaving my door open as I exit my room, I look guiltily at my Aunt as I pass her down the stairs.

Entering the bathroom and laying my clean clothes down, I hastily tear off my dirty ones and turn the hot water on as high as it will go and jump in. Hissing as the water burns my skin, I scrub at every part of my body until I'm satisfied and it's red and uncomfortable. Blann frets over the temperature hurting me on the other side of the shower curtain but I ignore his whining.

Turning the water off and stepping out, I wipe the steamed up mirror and finally look at myself in the mirror. Pointedly ignoring the scar on above my eyebrow, I can only stare at my dull grey eyes for a handful of seconds before feeling disgusted. Quickly moving my gaze up to my hair I notice the fade on the sides needing done once again and sigh as I run my fingers through the brown messy hair on top. A simple undercut was all I could really bother with. Immediately noticing my scarred, burned hand, I look away with a frown before shoving myself away from the sink.

Blann, noticing my falling mood, flies over to me and sets himself on my shoulder. "It'll be okay, Evan." I barely hold in a scoff at his words but he notices anyway and frowns. "It will be. You used to not be able to touch, or have anyone, touch you at all. Now, you can at least tolerate above the clothes touches, which is great!"

Sighing quietly, my eyes once again trail over to the reflection in the mirror. "I hope so, Blann, I really do..."

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This is Shy just checking in!

Now, not everything's going to be all emotional and depressing as above. But sometimes it will. And as they say, when it rains, it pours. So be prepared lol

Peace!