bloom → yk

three → caring in silence

T H R E E →   C A R I N G   I N   S I L E N C E
—

yoongi doesn't tell his parents that he's auditioning two weeks later. it's really a spur of the moment, yoongi looks at the date as displayed on his laptop and when he realizes it's the day of the auditions, he finds out there isn't harm in going. it's on a sunday afternoon, and when he tells his parents-his father- he's going to meet with the kid he tutors it's not exactly a lie. the first year girl had told him she was going to audition herself but yoongi hadn't thought much of it until the day of, when he realized he could use it to his advantage.

yoongi hears his parents approval— not that he really needed it— and begins to head out for the location as stated on the flyer. he plugs his headphones in as he takes slow steady steps, his mind racing the entire time with shitty outcomes that involve his rapidly increasing social phobia, his depression that was also beginning to spread faster than yoongi had realized, his dissociation that took control of him at times whether he liked it or not and staring at himself in the reflection and whispering "breathe" doesn't really help like the internet said it would.

if anything it reminds yoongi of the fact that he feels like he can't. he can't breathe, he can't rap saying that he doesn't care about society when the mere thought of it is damn near suffocating. yoongi knows he won't be able to do it. he knows his throat will tighten, his lungs will deflate, his mind will blank, everything he'd rehearsed will be gone and no one but yoongi will be blamed for it.

so many sentences in that train of thought bother yoongi, irk him so instead, yoongi focuses on the things he can control. he closes his eyes and changes the song; it's 'Clair de Lune.'

yoongi smiles to himself, barely. it's more of a ghost of a smile, a bitter curve of his lips filled with barely contained nostalgia, less than normal urges and memories yoongi is so desperate to forget. his fingers twitch at his sides before he clenches them to fists, his nails dig into his skin, the pain sharp and a bit relaxing as yoongi brings himself back.

it all ties back to the piano, in some shape or form, calling to him. the urge to run his fingers over her ivory keys is overwhelming sometimes, compelling in her nature and disastrous in her repercussions as she completely takes over yoongi's life. yoongi listens to the first half of the piece before he pauses the song without a second thought.

yoongi can't think of the past without fearing the present he's forced to live in. he wants to fly away, abandon this world and the life his father has planned out for his son to live in.

yoongi walks in silence the rest of the way.

—

he hadn't realized the audition would be... simple. they had him fill out a lot of paperwork, and while the amount of paper cuts he had wasn't healthy yoongi was just so fucking thankful he was of age and didn't need his parents permission and their signature and that he didn't need to write their phone number. the forms are tedious and yoongi finds himself signing so many contracts concerning BigHit's liability if yoongi was to hurt himself due to exhaustion. it's actually kind of frightening.

when he gets down to his interests it's quite ironic due to the wording.

'what would you like to do?'

singer     dancer     rapper     visual    producer    composer     songwriter

yoongi find himself circling three: rapper, producer and songwriter. he thinks of namjoon at that moment and the way he spat out all the things he excelled at, almost with envy which was ludicrous since namjoon's life is so much more in tact than yoongi's. he has his wants carved out, his goals mapped on the road trip that is his life, namjoon wanting yoongi's 'talents' would also be wanting all of his insecurities, the monsters inside him, the person he's forced to hide.