So my friend E.. is just the best, happiest-seeming guy in this world (in a friend way love u boo)
I don't know how he does it. He's smart as hell, funny, a good (better) artist than me, motivated, and just.. a great person. I just feel so small when I'm around him, it's like he overrides me in whatever I do (of course, being the nice guy he is, he doesn't mean to). If I make a joke, he makes a funnier one. If I draw something, he draws something better. If I get a good grade, he manages to get a better one, or at least an easier one. I'm just nothing compared to him.. I'm garbage.
It's just such a shit situation. All I want to do is be smart, be one of those girls who's in AP courses, wears a cute little cheer uniform and waves pom-pom's in the air at football games, who goes out with her friends and joins school clubs. Who gets straight A's with hardly any effort.. I want to measure up.
E struggles with his mental health issues too.. he has depression/generalized anxiety. How is he so stable.. so happy? Yeah I don't deny that he doesn't have it perfect. His stepmom is a jerk, he's trans so he has to deal with those issues, his older sister is pretty much insane, he's self-harmed in the past, the list goes on.
I just don't understand.. I feel I'm being left behind. My friends are all five steps ahead of me, one way or another. Some are smarter, some are funnier or more friendly, some are better off mental-health wise. I'm just stuck in the past.. I don't know how to get out.
Me and a couple buddies (E included) had a conversation a week or so ago, about self harm. E hadn't self harmed in 5 months. C was 6 months "clean." I hadn't slashed my arms in a good 2 months. They both said they were happy, proud to be getting better. I was, and still am, apathetic about my "recovery." I don't see the point to not cutting. It made me feel good.. I'm kinda pissed I'm not doing it anymore. I just don't care much for "getting better."
I just don't get these kinda things, man.
