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‑ˏˋ 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐄 ˊˎ‑
𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐒 ― 𝐈❜𝐕𝐄 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 out ― are quite odd. You cry when you're sad, you cry when you're angry, you cry when you're happy, and you cry when you're scared. No matter how much you don't want to cry, tears are the one thing you can count on. They never leave you alone; you may be alone, but the tears are always there to keep you company. Even in your sleep, oddly enough.
They were hot against my skin as I opened my eyes. The space next to me was freezing cold and empty. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, crushing the fragment of a dream that made me feel something I hadn't in two years: happiness.
Springs creaked in the bed when I sat up, the sheets having been thrown from my bed. My surroundings weren't my room in the orphanage or in front of Ochako's house. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes once more, but I welcomed them with open arms. My life had indeed turned around when I was eighteen, only to be ripped away from me all over again.
Swinging my legs over the edge of my bed, my eyes accidentally landed on the two identical flowers on an otherwise empty table. The rain pinged against the window that let in the dull light, the flowers casting thin shadows across the polished wood. And just like the table, I stared at their cut stems with emptiness.
I don't think there's anything left in me to be taken away. After all, I had awoken from a sweet dream that was too good to last. Those memories left me broken and hurting, just as the broken shards were cutting deeper into my sanity. I rose to my feet and stood there.
Nothing. I felt nothing when I looked at those flowers. I felt nothing when I heard the pitter-patter of the raindrops. And I felt nothing when I saw the butterfly sitting on my windowsill. My steps were heavy and hollow all the same, as I made my way through the sea of empty water bottles on the floor. Moving the chair away from the table, I sat with my chin on the surface.
"What are you doing here?" I was basically talking to myself. I might as well be ― I didn't have anyone else. "You don't belong here, you stupid bug. You'll end up dying there in that rain, so why don't you go and fly away? You can end your suffering a lot faster that way."
It only flapped its wings, floating for a mere moment before landing back on the windowsill. When I was eighteen, I might have cared, but it was like that one wingbeat made the sky stop crying. The clouds looked full of tears ― even after hours of nonstop rain ― and yet it just stopped.
"Well," I said glumly, swiping the flowers off the table, "now's a good a time as any."
I was slow in getting my shoes on, shrugging on my jacket. The air outside was cold to the touch, causing me to huddle in my jacket against the unforgiving wind. My shoes squelched in the mud, but they needed their flowers; mud was not going to keep me from getting the task done. It was the least I could do.
Musutafu hadn't really changed in the last two years. The people were still awful to me, the orphanage was still needing its hedges trimmed, the dumpsters were still saving lives, the park was still filled with people during summer, the apartment on the corner of Fifth and Dogwood was still operating, and I didn't fit in with the two-story houses. Everything was the same, and yet, it wasn't.
Silent tears ran down my cheeks, dripping off my chin. I didn't care anymore, especially when the cemetery gate was right in front of me. Shoving it open, the rusted metal creaked to life. The rows and rows of headstones were no doubt depressing. I didn't bother with reading the names; I already knew where to go.
In the center aisle ― where all the strangers with no family were buried ― was where I ended up. Now my tears had started to choke me as I bent down, sweeping away mud and grass from the stones with my fingers. Once they were cleaned, I placed a flower at each of their bases. I kneeled, the mud soaking through my jeans within seconds.
My head was bowed and my hands were in fists, tightening with every word I mumbled. "It's good to see you two again ― Ochako, Yagi. Today it rained a lot, so much that I won't be able to go to the park tomorrow." I laughed weakly, the faint smile on my face not reaching my eyes. I just couldn't feel joy anymore. Not without them.
I climbed to my feet, my tear-stained face tight as to not cry again. It didn't work.
"I'll, um, see you guys tomorrow then." I turned my back to walk away when three butterflies rushed past me. I whirled around, watching with wide eyes as a butterfly landed on each of the headstones, one fluttering to land on my shoulder. I looked at the tiny insect in wonder.
And when I least expected it, the three butterflies took off into the sky. The clouds parted in a small circle above my head, allowing the sun to shine directly onto all three of us. And ― for a split second ― I saw them.
Her brown hair and cheery smile. His slouched frame and cheesy thumbs-up. I saw it all.
Falling to my knees, I was overwhelmed with the emotions taking over me. I wasn't imaging anything. They were there. They were right in front of me and I could see them. My cries shook my shoulders, violent and relentless and neverending.
"I can see you," I whispered. I smiled for the first time in two years; I smiled a smile that reached my eyes, and for once, I was happy. "I can see you. I can see you."
Their image had begun to fade, but the memory of their smiles left permanent marks in my mind's eye. That's the one thing I would never forget ― their happiness. Because I knew that I could remember them in a time where they laughed and smiled, then I could laugh and smile.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not remembering before," I spoke as the clouds began to close up, the sunlight leaving a single stream shining directly where my heart beat. I closed my eyes, basking in the warmth the sunlight gave me until it disappeared.
I sank to the ground, smiling as the rain began to wash away my tears. I was at peace in my memories, and for the longest time, I had been at war with myself ― just like before. But now, as my eyelids opened and as the rain fell down on my face, I had found sanctuary. Because I was never alone in this world; not with Ochako and Yagi watching over me.
"I'll never forget you," I said.
It was so simple of a statement, and yet, it held so much meaning within those words.
