Painted Heartbeats

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Pain...pain... there's so much pain.

Tears falls down on my cheeks as I stared up the ceiling, Hearing my heart beat means I failed my mission. I failed to do what I want and it's frustrating because I failed so many times.

I just want this to stop, the pain, the heartache, my life. But why is it so hard? Why am I still alive? Why can't I just fckng die? I'm so tired of living, waking up each day seems like a task that I don't want to do.

"hey, you're awake" the nurse said as she check my vitals. I watched her still not moving. Watching her as she do her job makes want to stop her. 

I don't want to live cant you hear me?

"why am I still alive?" I ask her because the last time I check I was in my room holding that knife and there's blood everywhere so why am I in the hospital? I have no parents, no siblings, and my relatives doesn't care about me so who brought me here? 

I close my eyes as I inhale the nostalgic scent in the hospital.

"Silly, stop doing this to yourself; your neighbor saw you at your room and brought you here. They were so worried. You should at least thank them for bringing you here because if they didn't you wouldn't make it in time."  What would a suicidal girl want? To die of course why would I thank them? If they didn't bring me here maybe I'm in peace already and happy.

As the nurse finish her job she smiled at me and left the room. And I go back staring up the ceiling thinking what plan I will do next. I've tried hanging myself but it still failed, I also tried cutting myself so many times but fate won't cooperate with me and im still here breathing , before I could think of another plan the door suddenly opened and my annoying neighbor went in. She looks worried and angry from the look on her face as she walks towards me.

"Why Millie? Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Stop this madness at once!" she held my hand squeezing it and it hurts. She looked at me in the eyes and I can see that she was desperate to save me.

 I was never really close to her she wasn't even my friend so I don't understand why she's like this. We barely talk and see each other. Shame, no one cared about me yeah no one I smiled to myself.

"Don't smile at me young lady explain to me what happened this instance" she looks really angry though as I watch her and her boyfriend standing at her back. Ready to calm her girlfriend I guess? She looks like she wants to attack me. She was always good to me, actually to everyone but this is the first time I see her so desperate. She's still holding my hand like her life depended on it.

"Diane, I'm fine there's nothing to worry about. You already took me at the hospital and I'm still breathing can't you see? Happy now?" then she suddenly cried, she doesn't need to pity me at my condition I wanted this why does she keep concerning herself. 

That's the problem about diane ever since I moved at the apartment she keeps bugging our other neighbors and she's like the big sister that everyone goes to when they have a problem.

"But still..." she said.

"I'm tired I want to rest, Nathan please escort Diane and leave my room" he nod and supports diane out of my room. I wonder, can I leave the hospital later? I badly want to go home. I faced the window and saw the sky, what peaceful scenery. I wish I was that peaceful.

*"help me please.." I shouted as blood started to fall on my wrist. I've done it again, I've hurt myself. I cried and cried still shouting and hoping that he will come and saved me. 

Im always alone in my room dark consuming me, I can't see anything because of the tears in my eyes it gets blurry, still holding the knife I tried to stand up but the pain at my wrist is too much.

Father... help me I can't take the pain I stared my wrist still crying. I wished my father would have heard my cry, my plead for help. I know it's my fault I just want to feel the pain but now seeing so many blood it scares me as the time goes by my eyes feels kinda heavy and my vision gets blurry

Before I completely close my eyes and lose consciousness I saw a man standing at my door he hurriedly carried me and run outside. The last thing that I saw is his tattoo on his chest. A star and a moon tattoo. *

I opened my eyes as I stabilized my breathing it was just a memory, a memory that I can't forget. My first attempt and he was there. I don't know his name after my second attempt he's also the one who save me. 

He's always there but I still don't know him, sometimes I wished that he's gone that he shouldn't help me but after that I always look for him so I can finally recognize his face and remember him because all my life I was always alone. Eventually I grew tired. I stop hoping and all I really want is the pain.

I never really knew my mother, and my father was always at work they didn't have a child except me. My father doesn't like to discuss that issue he always got angry when I ask about our family. But he's sweet, like a normal father he pampers me and bonds with me when he has time. 

I look at the clock and saw it was 5pm. I need to leave. I gather my strength and sit up I pressed the button to call the nurse and a minute or so my nurse went in with a smile on her face.

"Yes dear? What do you need?" she went closer to me and handed me a glass of water. She was always this nice, encouraging her patients, smiling at them. I've known her for quite some time because I was always in this hospital although I always forgot her name.

"I want to leave can I be discharged today? " I said then drank the water that she gave me and gave it back.

"Sure sweetie wait for me, I will just inform your doctor and ready your bills" I smiled and thank her.

Emptiness consume me again as she leaves. Standing up I went to the comfort room to change my clothes.

Another day to live millie, how long will I last? I sigh maybe someday my mission will be a success not now but someday.

I placed my hand at my chest and feel my heartbeat.

You'll stop someday.