Thoughts of a College Student

"Soul-Ties"

September 19, 2018
I've been there, I've been the girl who's entertained just about anyone who was interested. I definitely heard "Oh she got hoes" a lot. It was mere entertainment, the meager thought that I had multiple people on a string without even having physical contact. Now, I'm noticing my growth. Not saying that I'm ready to settle down or anything, but the thought of having a multitude of people to my disposal doesn't excite me anymore. In all actuality, it's exhausting, ever try and memorize specific details from all of your 'hoes', not easy.
I've simply become disinterested because I asked my self why. What is my purpose of giving my energy to others? What could I possibly gain? Is it self-justification? Not exactly. It served no REAL purpose to me and was draining. I've realized that a lot of time was being put into people that I knew for a fact I wasn't in the slightest interested in. This caused me to go on a hiatus. Maybe I was wrong for this, but I began blocking people out of the blue with no explanation. It was hard to do for being a natural "people pleaser", but the aftermath was soothing to the soul. It's like I didn't have an obligation anymore.
Being in college definitely re-exposed me to the lifestyle that I ended, but WORSE. Hookup culture is rampant on campus to a point where it's the norm. Not that it's not okay, but it doesn't give me any satisfaction. What's the point in fucking everybody when I can just fuck (1) somebody? I'm not going to lie, once I got on campus, I quickly downloaded Tinder and was swiping left and right pretty frequently, but I wasn't exactly sure of what I was looking for. Was I falling into the deep hole of hookup culture? Was there something missing in myself that I needed? After meeting a few people on campus and even through the app, I realized that I didn't want to have meaningless sex. Was it this whole "Soul-Tie" thing people talked about? The thing where you become emotionally attached to your partners? I wouldn't say so in my case, because I've never been the one to be deeply embedded in emotion with anyone very quickly, no matter how good they are to me (we'll get into this later). Maybe it's the thing where you lose yourself after opening up to each partner. Maybe it's when you begin to feel more nonchalant about your sexual interactions. I'm not sure if that's what it is in my case, but I am sure that I'm not trying to be on that "let's fuck everybody" train. Even though I may not be looking for a relationship at the moment, it's much more fulfilling to simply have just one person (your go-to) to entertain. Doesn't mean we have to be together, but it just feels better to maintain a friendship (maybe a little more than friends) where we actually click, rather than just waiting for him to whip it out so you can Uber back home. It diminishes the feeling that you need to answer to others, it takes away the obligation of wanting to tend to them, when you can just tend to one.

*Drops Mic*