Simplicité.

Confessions #1

I spend my whole life waiting.....but waiting for what?

Waiting for this year to be over....hoping things will get better.

Waiting to finally get away from my damn school and go to a place where I can actually be whoever I want....a new, improved, better me.

Waiting to go to college to finally get my freedom... to live the life I want, to take my own decisions....far away from my very strict parents.... far away from their demanding selves.

 Waiting to get away... away from it all.

Waiting to go through the day, counting them as I imagine my future, as I imagine my dreams coming true.

Waiting to forget the past and finally be able to move on, I had too many heartbreaks, too many breakdowns, I'm waiting to heal.

Waiting to meet new people, not just new people but the right ones, who will treat me just right.

See, all people are going about living their lives while I'm still here in the same damn circle waiting... I've been in this circle for too long... for too many years, I started getting sick of the same routine, I started getting sick of the same life, I started getting sick of the same bullshit, everything is just on repeat. 

I don't want this life anymore, I wish I could change everything or end everything, but I'm too much of a coward to do so.

I wish I could stand up for myself, stand up for my rights.

Freedom that's what I desire, that's what I crave the most, is it too much to ask?.

Change, oh god, just how much I need it.

But let's talk it real in here....what if nothing changes? what if nothing gets better? what if I'm just fooling myself, lying to myself, playing tricks on myself? will I be more damaged? possibly not, I'd just stop completely waiting, completely living, I'd stop feeling or hoping and I'd just be like a zombie, watching people and hating on them because of how bad I want to be them, I'd bury myself and my soul alive. And then? I don't know what possibly will happen because I'm too afraid to imagine what horrible things I'd do, what a horrible monster I'd be, would I be finally able to let go of myself completely? would I finally be able to end it all? end it all for good? for once and for all?.

Hope is the only thing that is keeping me alive, hope is the only thing that is keeping me feel like I have a long life to live, hope is the only thing that is keeping me away from hurting myself and the people around me, hope is keeping me away from being depressed, hope is giving me a plan for what I'd do next.

I once read that hope is the only thing stronger than fear and then I realized that it's true, it's completely true, I live by this quote.

This was so hard for me to write, but you can't hide or get away from myself, can you?