Republican Phenoms

Nothing I Wanted to Feel

June

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Earlier today, I got my fourth report of the semester, for talking back to one of my teachers. Ms. Whitaker thought that for a punishment, I should clean some of the kitchens in the dorms, since everybody's busy studying for finals, and college kids are notoriously messy anyway. I was cleaning the fifth floor dormitory kitchen and happened to overhear Daniel talking to his friend Caroline.

They were talking about me. I know it. Whoever he was talking about is in his platoon, is in classes with him, which means she's probably in his same grade, and he kissed her while she was drunk in a closet. How many people does that describe?

One person. Me.

I go upstairs to clean the sixth floor dorm kitchen instead. I'll just have to go back to the fifth floor later. The last thing I want to do is see Daniel right now. I especially don't want him to know that I overheard him.

This morning I'm helping out with the finals for the Advanced Self Defense class. Since my teachers put me into Intermediate Self Defense when I was a freshman, I finished the self-defense series a year early, and for another martial arts credit, I decided to be a teacher's assistant for the Advanced Self Defense course. Which of course, with my everlasting bad luck, Daniel just happens to be a part of.

I don't really want to see him today. Not after what I overheard him saying to Caroline the day before. Unfortunately, today I have to spar with him. My teacher, Lieutenant Roberts, helps me put my padding on over my chest and torso. At least with this padding on, I know he won't have much to see if he looks at my chest, which we're supposed to do in order to see which limbs our opponent is trying to attack us with.

I help a couple of other students in the class first. I beat Karen when I fight her; another student in the class, Ben, knocks me down first. I have to spar with Daniel next.

He smiles at me. "Okay, Cadet Iparis, let's see what you can do," he says in a challenging tone.

I strike at him with my left hand, and he blocks me. I kick at him with my right foot, and again, he blocks me. He tries to strike me with his right hand, and I block him.

We continue like this for a few minutes. He has definitely improved as a fighter over the semester. We're both out of breath from exertion. I don't know which of us is going to win this fight.

I swing at him and he dodges, grabbing my arm and tossing me to the floor. He pins me down underneath him, and our legs tangle together. He smiles at me. "Looks like I won this time."

For a fraction of a second, as I see him hovering over me, I imagine us both naked, and him leaning down and kissing me like this. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I don't want to think of him like this. I don't want him to think of me like this. He probably has.

My face must show my discomfort, because Daniel's expression suddenly changes from one of triumph to one of worry. "June, are you all right?" he asks, releasing me from his hold. I get up and run to the bathroom.

I splash cold water on my face and look down into the sink.

"Are you okay, June?" Caroline followed me into the bathroom. Great. The second-to-last person I want to see right now.

"No, I'm not," I say, shaking my head. "I'll be fine though."

"What's wrong?" She looks at my reflection in the mirror.

"I... I just had a thought, that's all," I say. "A sickening thought. It will go away."

Her face is concerned. "You're one of the strongest people I know," she says, putting her hand on my shoulder. "This isn't like you." Her eyes widen for a moment, "Oh, dear Lord," she says. "Did someone try to attack you?"