Shivers // Phan

6

Phil 

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I don't get it, im so confused and upset, and angry, and ... i don't even know anymore! I don't understand why im crying, i shouldn't be crying! Maybe if i turn of the sad music. I reached over to my phone and disconnected it it from my small speaker and went to my open spotify tab, it was currently playing 'Goner' by twenty one pilots. A truly upsetting and emotional song for many people and fans. I sighed turning it off and tossing it onto my dresser top and sat on my bed, noting the salad. I was pretty hungry and the taste of cheese on my tongue had been leaving me in disgust for the past hour. I looked around the room when i caught a glimpse of something shiny under the door.

I noted it as a fork and walked over to the door, bending down to grab it as i realized Dan probably placed there. Dan...... Oh S*** DAN ! I opened the door and I calmly walked over to the stairs to find Dan in his favorite spot for his existential crises' . Dan lay there looking helpless in an adorable ball on the uncomfortable carpet. I studied him pitifully and felt guilty, he probably thinks it's his fault... he must have heard me... i can't let him hear me anymore, i need to put on a brave face for him, the world thinks of us as polar opposites, and i'm gonna keep it that way for Dan's sake, because if we are both upset.... then who will be there for him? Dan was asleep and shivering, wearing his famous eclipse shirt and black skinny jeans, I smiled, pushing back my confusion of emotions and stepping up to make Dan happy. I walked over to Dan's room and grabbed his Duvet, carrying it to him and placing it on top of him, i didn't want to wake him so i didn't attempt to carry him to his room, i walked back and snagged a pillow from his bed, bringing it over to the sleeping male and slide my hand upon his cheek... his soft, smooth, sweet pink tinted cheeks...  no, i can't think like that anymore... im straight.. my mother would kill me if i dated Dan, besides, dan probably doesn't even like me. 

I propped up his head and slid the pillow under him removing my hand gently and letting his head swiftly hit the pillow. I needed to clear my head, it was only 7:00 and the sun was expected to set at 8:30. I grabbed my coat and walked to the door, closing it behind me as the cold fall breeze flew around in the air. We lived about 5 minutes away from a nice park that i had never been to, so i pulled up my google maps and started walking. I arrived at the park and went for walked around enjoying the scenery around me, they even had a patch of cherry blossom trees which i didn't understand but hey, i wasn't complaining either. In between the trees was a cute bench that i decided to have a seat on, i had been walking for about 15 minutes and wanted to stop for a break. I sat on the cold bench as i watched across from me. Across the path you could see a nice dog park in the distance. 

I watched as young children played with their dogs and puppies, some adults where training dogs in a dog training area that was built in with a separate gate. And there was a single family in a fenced in pasture for dogs, It was A gay couple, a guy with shaggy and curly brown hair, and a taller guy with an insanely emo cut of raven hair, almost like a faux. The black haired male sat on a bench as the Brown haired male stood behind him, smiling and hugging his shoulders. As they smiled they were watching a young 5 year old girl with long black hair and dark brown eyes who was running around with a classic colored Shiba Inu with one blue eye and one brown eye.

As the family relaxed happily in the park, a young man about my age sat down next to me. 'Crap..' i muttered to myself, he had a shaggy head of hair that was dark brown, very tan skin and tattoos just covering his body, 'why do i always attract the strange people..' i cursed under my breath as i got up to leave the park. As i started walking away he spoke up 

"Hey Kid!" he called to me as i turned to him nervously.

"Uh, Yeah?"

"Want a cigarette?" he asked bringing out a box of cigs and waving them around.

"O-Oh! uhm, no no thanks i don't smoke..."

"Shame. Looks like you could use one."

"I-I.. What do you mean?"

"Come on bro, i can tell your tempted."

I mean, he wasn't wrong... but at the same time i knew it was wrong... I wanted to but i knew how disappointed i would make everyone if i got caught doing it.. or get addicted. My mind raced back to my childhood, the boys who where initiating me that one time for a stupid club, and how upset my mother was when i was caught... i started to walk off..

"No thanks.. i'd rather not shorten my life" i muttered, not thinking twice before i said it and walked off. It was too long after that he came up behind me and grabbed me by the collar of my jacket.

"Take. The. CIgarette." He spoke sternly I was frightened, but i wasn't going to do it.

"N-No!"

"Or else."

"Or else what?"

He pulled out a dagger and pinned me to a tree, i felt so helpless, but I couldn't see another way out of it.... it was a one time thing.. surely it couldn't be to bad of a thing..

"Okay buddy chill... just hand it over."

He smiled victoriously and handed me the box and a lighter... i cringed and i felt so ashamed... but for some reason i didn't think twice and i pulled a cylinder out of the box, flicked the lighter, and put it in my mouth. The guy saw how i was doing it wrong and lit his own, directing me on how to use it properly. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, i knew i wasn't doing it again, but in the moment it didn't seem too bad. I let the drugs in and exhaled them cautiously, watching the smoke evaporate quickly into the air, wishing my problems could disappear just as fast.