Anatomy of a broken heart Part Two: Hopes & Dreams apart from reality

Chapter 1: Living My Best Life

You thought I was joking? My brain literally lost connection to my heart? Sooner or later I was gonna crack? October 2017 is when I finally cracked, not on anybody but myself. My happiness was never permanent as I thought it would be. Hell is the last thing I could say them people brought me, my eyes were just opened. These words that are flowing out of my pen are life lessons. Don't take pity I've learned from all this already. Now the lessons I've learned from all of this was just a minor set back. Not because I'm being weird but because I've grown. People may be upset by the role that they play. It's embarrassing to them because they can't admit their were wrong. I'm 20 now and my daughter is two. I broke bonds and one relationship. I gained knowledge from it all. Anyway, this story begins at the hospital. I was lost and overwhelmed. I would've never thought I would even think. I was weak with a low heart rate. I just wanted to get away for a little bit, I didn't wanna go away permanently. I wanted to run away from my life at the moment so much was going on. The post on my moms page did it all. I laid on my couch with no heart beat. I got up with energy I had left and I walked to the hospital. Nervously thinking "What did I do? And was it worth it?" I finally got to the hospital where I was admitted. There I was at three in the morning staring at the hospital curtains on suicide watch. Now I'm thinking to myself "Wow I'm a dumb bitch. Now what if I died?" I looked at my arm with the sodium fluids going through the needle. I shook my head and said "Yup that's a wrap with all these people." The negative energy really was not needed. You gotta change that's all that was going on in my head. I flushed my memory that night. My heart rate kept going down every time I dozed off so I stayed up. I left that hospital telling everybody to shut up. Oh well. I knew what they was gonna tell me already. I got home and rested. After that I didn't wanna be bothered. I felt pathetic in every way. When a person keeps constantly picking at you and more people are linked to this one person. Laughing at you, comments flowing on rage people disrespecting your mother all at once. You trying to deal with someone that has your former loved ones trying to bomb you because their heads are filled with unknown bullshit. What could you do? How could you avoid if it keeps popping up in your face? The pain caused me to take my anger out on the wrong person. Well at least I thought the wrong person. Let's fast forward cause I hate this part. I went home and didn't tell nobody except my close friends. I know a lot of ya would throw that in my face but it is what it is. Now after a couple weeks I'm back to myself. I dropped a lot of pounds too. I went from 135 to 116. My body was like a stick figure I lost titties a lot of thighs and my booty was gone. At this time I was only with Anthony, Jaya and Anthony's family. Well they my family too if you wanna be technical. No I'm not on my stitch stuff I'm just letting ya know the vibes. Everyone was living their best life and ignoring bullshit. The seasons were transitioning from fall to winter. I was real skinny and stressing about the other nigga. Meanwhile, my baby father's birthday was coming up. I knew I was gonna hear from him soon. At this time, I knew where I was wanted to be. I wanted to be happy with the person I've planned to be with. No matter what happens between us we'll get back, we'll that's what he stated and wanted me to believe. So I did and I loved him but that was his plan to make me fall for him. November rolls in quickly and here comes baby daddy. He's around Nevaeh more watching tv with her and everything. I didn't think nothing of it I always separated myself while he spent time with his daughter. Then I found out my ex was with his ugly ex girlfriend. God forgive me but this girl so sherm and ya all know it. Sometimes it's hard to believe he left me for her but that's a joke Shit ain't about nothing no more. One night my baby father came over and for one I know my baby father so well. He gets affectionate when he wants something. He kissed me and I let him but that was it. I was playing petty. I ain't want that boy, he knew but I wasn't gonna catch feelings over no kiss. I still wasn't over my ex, he meant a lot to me he was like my other half and after that argument we had about that human sitting on his lap I told him how I felt then I unfriended him on snap. So bottom line my baby father left that night feeling like he accomplished something. Like he got me where he wanted me once again. Now it's his birthday and all I did was say happy birthday. Any other previous birthday I've done so much from getting him things or picking him up from 161. I could tell ya that my baby daddy loves me because of what I've done for him I always looked out. Now we share a baby together so I feel like I'm looking for a close friend or a family member. They mean something to him but it's nothing to me, I like that we could respect one another like that. Well I thought so, he wanted to spend time with me on his birthday and I didn't. He kept that over my head and slowly stopped trying to converse. He even asked for my cookies for his birthday and I refused. I know a baby daddy supposed to be there for when you want sex but in my situation I didn't want anybody thinking we were anything. Sex is nothing to me. I don't catch feelings off of sex. We had each other on Snapchat I've seen he's been talking about somebody instant subs to the BM we get it. Then after his birthday ended at 12 he started talking about somebody else. I noticed the difference and this made me wanna be even more nosey. By time December came Jaya and I were now Bestfriend's. I took a long time to get a bestfriend because of the last one I had made me realize bitches don't be ya mans. Christmas time came and we all planned for Anthony's birthday. We all became very humble except Anthony who's always been. A lot of things became irrelevant to me but I still wanted to know who was this girlfriend of my baby father's. Not because I was mad but because he just stopped communicating period even coming to see the baby. That was weird. So I texted him one night and he was moving weird like I was bothering him. So I ain't write him again, I thought we were doing this parenting thing. I knew he had a bitch I thought it was funny he ain't tell me. Why he kept her a secret he knew about my ex so why I can't know? Again he always aim and shoots for my friends or a bitch I know. I don't know why I think it's because he wants a reaction out of me. He gotta realize to me he just looked pathetic. Like no I didn't care about it but I thought we were cool. I liked being cool with him we get along so well ya wouldn't think we had a kid together. He kept talking about this girl and I was so mad he still ain't tell me who she was like nigga let me approve. He knew I wasn't gonna approve someone who's done a couple family members in your family. I wanted it to be someone that could help him out, help him become a better man and father. I have nothing against this girl until she violated for views. By time Christmas came, Anthony's birthday didn't go as well as planned but we still had money and still went out. All of our outfits were styled nicely and Anthony really popped out. Designer from top to bottom. We went out to eat and all seven of us Avaya, Jaya, Anthony, My god brother and David. David was mad tall and he was just there most of the time. We ate our food and paid the bill together with no problems and called our cab. "I wanted to go to Ruth Cris so next time everybody make sure one of us makes the reservation on time." The cab came and it was below 20 outside. What a good night after Christmas. Once we reached the hill Anthony's building we got out the car and shot out the cab. My toes were numb, I looked like a skinny Jessica rabbit with my shiny black dress I wore. I opened the door first and almost ran into my ex. I hugged and puffed them proceeded to the elevator. That whole time I was in the elevator with everybody my mind was somewhere else because it drifted off back into "Ronland" where it wasn't supposed to be. I used to have my moments where I tuned people out because I stopped and thought about what I'm not supposed to. That only happened when I seen him I just would remember him but mostly what he did, but that's another story. We got upstairs and the first thing I did was take them heels off and sit on the bed. Jaya did the same and Avaya wanted to sit pretty in hers because she looked good. "I look good so yeah these aren't coming off until I take another picture." We all felt good at Anthony's house everybody had the same thoughts but different movements and this kept all of us close. To a shock Jaya tapped my shoulder. "Kay Kay look what this girl posted ain't she your friend?" Finally we found out who my baby father was dating. A little girl, that's what she was to me. A familiar face I've helped out at least three times. This girl been to my house and held my daughter and everything. I'll tell ya the girls my baby father choose they always got me in their lives somewhere. It's always one of those. There was many times I felt bad for this girl. I guess when you young you always wanna prove something to look a certain way. In this case her name well the name I'm gonna call her is "lil Sally Sue" to be funny cause she's a clown. Anyways, sally posted a picture with my baby father she had screenshots too. Why he kept her as a secret from me? Why couldn't I know? I think it's because Sally was years younger than us. I was disappointed in him because of that. I wasn't proud, we gave a little girl. I thought of her dating a nigga five years older than her. I ain't wanna say anything at all because I wanted him to be happy but then again the mother inside of me could not keep quiet. "What? He think that's cute? That girl is young! Why it couldn't have been somebody that could actually help out and look out?" I know my baby father so well that I knew once I said something we would argue for weeks then he starts the Facebook shows. I let him rock for a week then BOOM.