A Mess of Things

Chapter Three

     I'm not sure what came over me or how I was capable of being so spontaneous. I don't know if it was the hormones in the air, the concealing darkness of his bedroom, or just the plain fact his body was up against mine in a towel.

     I took my hand and placed my palm on Cain's bare chest, and his body tensed up under my freezing hand. He looked up at me with a very intense expression that read confusion as much as it did restraint.

     "Dez-" he started, but I cut him off by pushing my body hard up against his, and kissing him softly on the lips. It was a quick kiss but I wanted to tease him, so I let my lips linger on his for a moment before slowly running them down his jaw-line to his neck below his ear. Cain closed his eyes and let out a gentle gasp. He took a deep breath, wrapping his left arm around my back and pulled me over on top of him. He used both of his hands to push down on the small of my back grinding me against him. He grinned as I slowly swiveled my hips, rubbing against the bulge in his towel.

     I cannot begin to describe the thoughts swarming my brain at this particular moment. I felt so eager, uncontrollable desperation was completely taking me over. I could tell that Cain was hesitating though, his hard passionate kisses and lip-tugging would be full-force one moment, and the next he would tense up and go for my neck. I felt like he was worried I would regret this or that I wasn't ready.

     Remember what I said earlier about being more spontaneous? That's not what this was anymore. This was two people who were desperate and hungry for anything they could have control over that couldn't hurt them. I knew deep down how badly this would hurt later, how much I would miss him and how it didn't bother me right now because I was in total control. I needed to make this moment my own, I needed to claim this part of myself that my mother or father could never own or know it existed.

     But that's when Cain took things into his own hands.

     He put his palms on my shoulders and gently pushed me away from him, I drew away from him, puzzled. He noticed my confusion and chuckled nervously.

     "Dezzie, listen, I need to say something." Cain said, propping himself up on his elbows and looking down at his torso. He seemed to be looking over all of the cuts and bruises he was littered with.

     Suddenly I felt very embarrassed, and groaned aloud as I got off of him and sat down on his bed, facing him.

     "Is this because of my brother? Because Cain he really will never find out, he doesn't need to know about us." I offered.

     Cain's eyes flickered up at me and I realized I had probably just made a very big mistake.

     "Us?" He asked, "I thought there wasn't an 'us' Dezzie."

     I hesitated, "Well, you know what I mean. It's pretty clear that we both still care about each other."

     Cain's expression completely changed, he scrunched his nose and narrowed his brows as if he was smelling something foul. He looked angry.

     "No, I know that I care about you. Truth be told Dez, I don't know how you feel about me anymore. I mean you think you were being clear just now, but honestly you have no idea how easy it is to see confusion on your face. I'm sorry but, I really just can't do this right now." He said, swinging his legs over the bed to stand up.

     "I'm not confused! If I do something it's because it's what I want to do." I argued.

     "Right, like moving?" He said flatly, giving me an intense glance. He shook his head and sighed, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."