Killing for Visibility

Punishments

I stared up at my ceiling, blinking away another sleepless night. I shifted under my blankets, squinting at the taunting clock on the bedside table. It was around the time that my brother, Mike should be awake so I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the bed, my feet touching the carpetted floor. Yawning, I stretched my arms above my head, hearing different limbs crack and pop. I slowly shuffled out of my room and across the hall, the sounds of my parents downstairs talking quietly over the clinking of various cups and silverware drifting up the stairs. I turned the knob on his door and entered quietly, the golden sunlight streaming in and chasing away the darkness of his room. Mike's snoring was muffled by the pillow over his head and his body was practically swallowed by his huge comforter. "Mike," I whispered groggily, patting his back. "Hey, buddy, wake up," I tried again, getting a groan in response. "Fine," I'll be back in five minutes... If you're not up by then you're gunna be late."

I left him with that warning, walking slowly out of his room and into the bathroom. My mother must've been the last one in here before me because there was various makeup materials scattered on the countertop and the smell of something powdery and sweet was lingering in the air. I smiled to myself while I stepped out of my boxers and pulled my shirt over my head. However, as I stepped into the shower, turned the faucet down to hot and allowed the steam to suffocate me, my small smile turned into a frown. I stood there under the beating water, my thoughts racing.

The initial guilt had been eating me alive for weeks now. My friends constantly reassured me that what I did wasn't even that bad and I shouldn't beat myself up over it. However, I found myself replaying the scene in my head repeatedly. Over and over and over again, the sight of his watery, wild eyes and the way his bottom lip quivered was the nightmare that kept me up all night. I already knew I had a problem with thinking too much, so since I gave myself more than enough time to turn the gears in my head, I knew that my apology was well-overdue. I also knew how easily it could have been to pull him aside and tell the fucking truth, but it wasn't that easy. My reputation was on a thin line; one little sign of gratitude towards a student lower on the food chain would have me falling to the ground within seconds. Besides, no one except for a few of my friends new it was me who wrote the vulgar slang on his locker. A lot of people have forgotten about the malicious display of taunting, so why would it make sense to bring it back up?

Although, I couldn't just let this self-condemnation take over my mind, right? I already knew that I was an exclusively shitty person, but I had to make amends, no matter how long it's been.

Nodding my head in conformation, I quickly washed myself up, rinsed and stepped out the shower, drying myself off before wrapping the towel around my waist. I walked back into Mike's room, seeing him sitting up in bed and rubbing his eyes. "Are you thinking seriously about getting out of bed and getting ready for school?" I asked him. He nodded slowly, returning my question with a loud, tired yawn.

About ten minutes had passed and Mike and I were scurrying down the stairs, our mother calling after us in the doorway. "Have a good day at school, learn something," she waved, her other hand wrapped around her waist to keep her bathrobe in place.

"Bye, mfff," Mike laughed with a piece of toast in his mouth, pulling his backpack straps over his shoulders.

I hopped into my small car, shoving the key into the ignition after Mike slid in the passenger seat. He immediately starting fishing through the stash of CDs to pick a soundtrack for our ride to school. After he finally settled on an old Hawthorne Heights track, he drummed his long, tatted fingers on his knees and put his feet on the dash. I was silent the whole way there, the trepidation of what was going to occur in a few minutes shaking me down to my core. I don't know what was going to happen, and honestly, I was apprehensive.