one day Jon was cooking some lasagna, humming Funiculi Funicula as he sprinkled some thyme on that spicy bitch. Garfield watched from a distance, his bloodshot eyes studying Jon's every aching move as the voice's screeching filled his head, urging him to do terrible things. But then a portal opened behind Jon, shitting out a Spider-Man.
"lasagna time" Spider-Man said, pointing at Jon.
"oooooH" Jon said, turning his head and witnessing the spider person, who was doing a T-pose to mark his territory, a tradition of his Earth. He always had a crush on the wallcrawler, and he frequently fantasied about the human spider drenching him in his thick, silky organic webbing.
"want some lasagne, petey boy~" Jon teased, swaying the pot of steaming lasagna around. Spider-Man's eye lens things followed the lasagna, an enticing offer, but he shook his head after remembering his mission.
"No time, Jon. Happy Chapman is trying to steal all the Spider-Men in the multiverse, and we need your help." Spidey said, pointing at Jon triumphantly.
"GASP, ME?" Jon gasped
"Yeet. I watched Garfield: The Movie and noticed how you totally knocked Chapman to the middle of next week. We could use your skills in our battle for the fate of all spider-people." Spider-Man said, pointing at Jon and nodding.
"OH GOODIE" Jon squeaked, running to his bedroom and collecting his emergency lasagnas, his sawed off shotgun, his squip stash, and his Bad Dragon™ Axel. Spider-Man stood by the door as he gathered these items, staring into oblivion as he had vivid flashbacks of Mary Jane dissolving in a vat of acid.
"YOU OKAY SPIDER-MAN, YOU LOOKED YOU'VE SEEN A ghoOoOoOoOsT" Jon yelled, making Spider-Man jump.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine... Just multiverse lag, y'know." Spidey mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck. Jon stared at him, Spider-Man becoming increasingly uncomfortable as time went on, Jon's cheek occasionally twitching.
"Okay so well let's go save the universe I guess haha" Spider-Man said, taking out his dimensional scissors and cutting open a portal to Earth-137991, the current base of the Spider-Army. Jon followed into the portal, gasping at the sight on the other side. The universe was made entirely of béchamel lasagna.
"Ah, hello, Spider-Man of Earth-1144. I see you have brought that Arbuckle fellow you were talking about. I presume we are ready to launch our invasion on Chapman's palace?" said Spider-Man 2099 of Earth-1918, where he was a smartass Englishman wearing a monocle while constantly smoking from a pipe.
"NO" said Spider-Soldier of Earth-171177171, where he was a soldier from Team Fortress 2. "I AM STILL BAKING MY DRESS" he said, crouching in front of an oven while watching his dress cook. He inhaled the wonderful aroma, making a satisfied groan. "I love the smell of burnt dresses in the morning."
"Well, when you're done, can - GREAT HEAVENS WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MADMAN DOING" Miguel yelled, noticing that Jon was tearing apart the fabric of space and time and chowing down on it, as it was made of lasagna.
"NO" Spider-Man yelled, pulling Jon away from the fabric of space and time. By then, it was too late, as thousands of daemons were already pouring from the Warp. Anomalies appeared left and right, Spider-Men being sucked into other universes and being deleted from reality. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" Spider-Man yelled, shaking Jon around.
"bRRUUUUp" Jon responded, as Spider-Man dropped him. He broke down, his guilt and sobbing drowning out the screams of spider-dudes being murdered by daemons. The spider-people were doomed, and it was his fault. He failed his people, just like he failed Mary Jane.
Suddenly, a heavenly being appeared before the sunset, wielding a flaming sword made of web. He sliced the daemonic army apart with one fell swoop, webbing closing the tears in reality and doing away with the anomalies. He then shrunk down to normal size, meeting Spider-Man and Jon. He was accompanied by Ubiquitor and B'nee and C'cll, dudes he saved from universes ravaged by Chapman's various rampages.
"YOU THERE" the Spider-God shouted, his voice booming throughout the entire universe, pointing at them. The spider person tore off his mask, revealing himself to be Andrew Garfield, the creator of all garflielflelels.
"Andrew Garfield, it's Andrew Garfield" jon yelled
"shut the fuck up" Andrew hissed, pointing at Jon.
"YOU HAVE FORSAKEN THE SPIDER-PEOPLE BY BRINGING THIS VILE HERETIC, AND YOU HAVE NEARLY DOOMED THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE. I AM SORRY, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED, FOR IT IS THE WAY OF THE SPIDER." Andrew said, before impaling Spider-Man with his web sword. Peter howled as every pain receptor on his body experienced incomprehensible agony, spiders pouring out of every orifice on his body. He was only kept conscious by Andrew's omnipotent will, though his brain ached from the big hurt.
"no u" Jon said, shooting Andrew in the face with his shotgun, instantly killing him. He grabbed the dimensional scissors and Peter, who had passed out, going back to Earth-420 as Ubiquitor cradled Andrew's carcess. All hope for the spider-people diminished with the Spider-God's death, as Chapman consumed more and more universes and converted more and more spider-people into his hivemind. All was lost.
