Jon was in his kitchen, where he usually was, attempting to cook a lasagna. However, upon opening his wall safe he kept behind a painting of Spider-Man's chief antigravity muscle, he realized he was out of lasagna materials. He paced around the room, internally screaming as his entire world crumbled around him. He glanced back at the safe, noticing his old ski mask. He promised himself to put that life behind him, but there was no other way. He grabbed a box of surgical gloves from under the sink and rushed out the door, pulling out his phone.
Outside First World Bank, 5:27 AM
Jon's van rolled up to the bank as Ultra Powerful Guy flew past, chasing a pigeon. Wendell was driving, the rest of the gang sitting in the back. Jon, Spider-Man, Mike (from Garfield Gets Real, not Garfield and Friends), Lord Dargis, and Prop Boy were preparing their weapons. Spider-Man's mask was covered by shadows, his eye lens things lookin' all sad-like while a small black horn began growing on his forehead for some reason. He stared at his wrist, pretending to adjust his webshooters as the rest polished and loaded their guns, trying not to think of Uncle Ben.
Prop Boy was the brains of the operation, drawing a sophisticated plan on a blueprint of the building with a magic marker while the rest of these ignorami suggestively stared at firearms. And wrists.
"Time to break bad. Like that one TV show, get it" Jon murmured after he finished lathering lasagna sauce all over his CAR-4, putting on some shitty Dallas mask he bought on Etsy.
First World Bank, 5:37 AM
The gang split up once inside the bank, guided by Prop Boy's telepathic commands. Prop Boy's consciousness transcended into a higher reality as the heist of the century unraveled, Prop Boy being invited to a tea party with a bunch of elder gods (and Zeus) who wanted to study his techniques. Mike moved across the bank while disguised as a guard, having stapled a dead guard to the side of his body, stealing the giant glass Earth globe thing near the security gate.
Spider-Man was hunting for the bank manager in order to steal his keycard, while Jon dealt with the gate. He walked up to the security guard, who was wondering why he was wearing a mask of an infamous bank robber terrorist person. His confusion lead to him being vored by Jon when no one was looking. He then vomited all over the gate, the metal beginning to dissolve almost instantly. Yet another perk of his strict tomato-based diet. Spider-Man found the manager, Rogerlanso Fuckarsharama, eating a bowl of Uncle Ben's parboiled rice. He shot a web at Rogerlanso's face, stealing his keycard from off his desk as he was left to suffocate. But then he slipped on a banana peel, falling through a bunch of stairs before sliding up a ramp that was there for some reason, landing in a crowd of people. Said people instantly exploding.
Their blood coated Jon, crying out as his warrior instincts instantly took control of his ripe body. The bank alarm soon went off, police swarming the outside because it was probably the Payday gang again. Prop Boy returned to the land of the living, having been humiliated in front of hundreds of omnipotent beings.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING" Prop Boy screamed, pointing at Peter, who was rocking back and forth and sobbing whilst drenched in blood. The Propster roared and charged at Peter, ready to tear him limb from limb, before a bulldozer unloaded his vulcan minigun into his face.
"SPIDER-MAN! THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE!" the bulldozer yelled, mistaking him for this universe's Spider-Man, before Jon brutally snapped his neck and consumed his body.
He pulled out his sawed off shotgun, shoving two meatballs down each barrel to please the Saucy Ones. He ran up to cops and blew them apart like he was Doomguy or something, their puny bullets barely penetrating his rock hard abs.
"THIS IS A COLOSSAL GOATFUCK" a SWAT officer yelled, shooting blankly at the smoke before a smoke demon came out of the smoke. "OH SHIT IT'S A SMOKE DEMON" the officer yelled, dropping dead from a heart attack. The demon then performed necromancy and took him as his minion. In a matter of minutes, hundreds of SCP Foundations helicopters, tanks, and Mobile Task Force soldiers swamped the bank. The existence of the smoke demons was a well-kept secret, only known by them and SWAT officers for whatever reason, and they would rather nuke the continent before letting them become common knowledge. However, no matter what was thrown at him, they were no match for Jon's undying will. Lord Dargis then slip and slided on a banana peel, falling unconscious after he collidied with a wall.
Meanwhile, Mike had slipped through the gate and into the vault room, where Wheels Rokokam, a red Shrek ogre, was organizing the cash with his big meaty fingers.
"Well hello there Mr. Laddie, what can I do for ye on this fine day?" asked Wheels Rokokam.
"Well, y'see, I gotta make a deposit consisting of all your fuckin' money" Mike said, moving the dead guard's mouth up and down like it was a fish or something.
"Ah, I see. Just one of those days, eh?" Wheels Rokokam said, pulling out a giant golden key and shoving it into the vault door, opening it and letting that hot, steamy money air hit his silky red ogre skin. He was addicted to that feeling, so much that he bottled up the money oxygen and sold it in secret. He then swooped all of the money into his arms, roaring and flexing his huge red muscles and running over to Mike, handing him the cash stacks.
"thanjs" said Mike, backing away while Wheels Rokokam politely waved. He then regrouped with Jon and Spidey, who were making their way to the escape van. As they made their way through the corpse-swamped bank, they discovered that thousands of cop dudes were waiting for them outside, their guns trained directly at the entrance.
But then Ocitutrb, a wizard dressed in blue robes and a blue fishdome, arrived, casting a spell that deleted the policemen and Mobile Task Force units from reality. Ocitutrb escaped into the bushes, ready to aid more robbers or something. But then an even greater foe arrived.... The Intergalactic Llama Police, who picked up Ocitutrb's wizardry on their scanners from two dimensions down. Their ships blot out the sun, Llama battle wizards, cloakers, gundams, and tamed tyranids beamed down to the Earth's surface, while the heisters made a run for it. Evading fire from the super-advanced interdimensional law enforcers, they found Jon's van parked next to the bank, bhopping their way into the back.
"STEP ON IT" Spidey yelled, while Jon loaded his custom made thermonuclear rounds into his shotgun and opened fire on the police men. It turns out that Wendell had fallen asleep while listening to Jerma's stream intro music. Spidey squawked like an angry seagull, slamming the side of the van and leaving a huge ass dent in it, waking Wendell up lickity spkit. Wendell instinctively stepped on the gas, the van penetrating the time vortex and landing in Jon's garage. Wow.
