Musings under the twilight sky

For the love of the shades in between

Warning : The following post contains mentions/implications of mental illness, triggers and self-harm.

Author's Note : I have been debating with myself for a while about posting this. I generally prefer to pen down cheery, positive thoughts, but I decided to give this a chance. That being said, it is quite a serious read that deals with themes of mental illness . So please feel free to not read further.

The shades in between mesmerize me.

How they appear at random,

How perfectly they merge,

How quickly they change..

I can sense the storm brewing.

But it's not all dark.

Not yet.

Soon enough, but not yet...

As the dark, weeping storm clouds envelope the horizon, effectively masking the glow from the remaining twilight rays and all traces of wind cease, the skies are lulled to an eerie calmness.

'The calm before the storm' as it's referred to, but in no way reassuring. Just like this impassive, poised smile you offer me. That is 'so you', but at the same time 'not so you'.

The winds of change are stronger now,

But it's not all dark yet,

Not yet..

I wonder about the perseverant quality of nature, much like yours.

How a few scattered clouds has now developed into this fierce promise of rain; How a few stray emotions and daily misgivings elicit such a strong reaction in you.

All but manifestations of natural phenomena. Water vapor and pressure differences in the former case and imbalance of neurotransmitters in your case.

On some days, I can't but be envious of those happy, gleeful shades that you present to the outside world. But on others, I consider myself lucky to know the man beneath the mask.

I wish I can predict you like the shades of the sky. The forecast for the day being either bright, clear skies or dark, gloomy weather.

But my love, as much as you claim to have a black and white soul, I find that your personality shines through in the vibrancy of the shades in between.

I can't decipher the emotions or colors behind your moods, like I do with nature. Probably because it's difficult to trace the ever changing hues that you display, how much ever I persevere. A few stand out though, like the fiery golden red of your courage, the deep azure of your kind heart and the bright golden streaks of your determined soul. On the good days, the hues mix and match to give unto this world, the unique portrait of you.

The shades in between mesmerize me.

But they aren't all grey.

I wasn't prepared for the first rumble of thunder and the intense wind, much like I how I am never prepared to witness the first distinguishable signs of your change.

Much like a bird caught up in the force of a gale, I see you giving it your all, to fight it, to get back under control, to not let it takeover, to be normal...

It's close,

It's intense.

And there's a high chance that a downpour is inevitable,

It's not all dark, but now, the shades seem to appear dark enough.

As the first drop of rain hits the ground, I remain as clueless and unprepared to tackle what's coming- the torrential deluge as well as your means to harm yourself. Nothing seems to work. My reassuring words of endearment, hope and strength, prayers, pleas and even the love we share, that's claimed to be enough to tackle it all.

In those few moments, during which your shades of clarity make a brief appearance, you shout out a command, asking me to leave, to escape this misery, to take shelter from the harsh rain...

You prefer to endure it all alone, much like the lonely, deserted alleys during a storm.

It's all dark now as you submit to the dark contours of your mind.

Not pitch dark, but the soul rendering kind, that wrecks one's body and mind. That reminds one of how ugly and cruel this world is. That makes one want to wallow in emotions. That makes one want to rip away the very being of it all. Rage. Sadness. Pain. Pain.Dark pain.

It's now all dark. It's here. And defeat is inevitable. .

I am left to witness the storm, much like a soldier at sea. I can't seem to help it, although this isn't the first time I am granted it's audience.

No matter how I position the sails, change routes and try to swim away, it seems to always catch up to me. We continue to play this game of catch up. But our chances are getting better, I suppose.

I guess in a way I need to learn to appreciate all kinds of power, nature is capable of, be it the beautiful sunset hues or the harsh manifestations caused by interplay of defective genes.

As the roars of thunder die down and so does your shade of darkness, we set about to rebuild the sails.

I may not help to prevent these fresh wounds and scars,

but I'll stand by your side as you mend all your bruises,

And wear your own scars.

Because you are your own hero.

And all the glory of the battle is yours,

But I'll love you for it all...

The hit was strong, heart-wrenching, difficult to accept and shall leave behind scars, as always.

But we shall, as always, try and go about making amends.

Slowly, but surely, the shades in between shall make a reappearance. The hues of color that I have always loved. The perfect flaws in you that I have accepted and learnt to love. The shades of you that will forever remain uniquely yours. The shades of my knight- in-not-so-shining armor.

It's not all bright yet,

Not yet, But soon enough...

Till the shades of sunlight are bestowed upon us,

Hold on and believe.

Author's Note :

'Normal'. One word. A hundred thousand interpretations. For we are all, but a myriad of emotions, senses, a mass of differentiated cells and bodily fluids, dictated by the patterns of nature that were passed down the times. Codes that were once deemed abnormal and foreign, but proved fit enough to survive. Likewise, codes that were dealt the unlucky hand of fate. But nevertheless, codes that result in the shades of our soul.

Like with nature, a lot is not left in our control. But I do believe that 'nurture' plays a important role too. One never knows the consequences of a harsh or a rude comment spoken in a haste. The dark potent form it can take shape into, in a person's mind.

Judge less and spare a thought. Know that there are people out there praying for something that you take for granted. Lend a shoulder to someone who's down and low. Don't think about the right words to say, just stand by them. Offer a hug. Remind them of their importance and the brilliance they bring about.

Be what you've always wanted to be, at the same time, let others be what they want to be, too.

Live and let live.

For sometimes there are battles that are more than black or white.

Thanks for reading and have a great week ahead:)