because jackson said so ⑅ [tuan mark × wang jackson] ✓

• bonus ➳ os •

My friends were right.
Like always.

Jackson and I couldn't go on like that.

He was always bossing me around.

And I always did what he told me to do.

I shouldn't have done it tho. I should have told him to shut the fuck up and treat me the right way.

But I couldn't tell him. Because I loved him.
And I was scared of losing him.

But today I finally told him how I feel.

--

»Jackson?«, I asked, knocking on his door. I was literally knocking on my heaven's door...

»Jackson?«, I asked again knocking harder on the wooden door keeping me from seeing my boyfriend.

He quickly opened the door in complete silence, not even looking at me.

»What's wrong?«, he asked standing in front of me while I sat down on his bed.

»We have to talk, Jackson«, I whispered.

»About what, Mark?«, he asked, cocking his head to one side.

»About us.«

His eyes focused mine, the look he gave me feared me.

»Why?«

This one word was sharp, as sharp as a thorn, stabbing straight into my heart.

»We can't go on like this«, I murmured quietly, lowering my head to escape his gaze.

»What are you talking about?«, he was not screaming yet. He usually raised his voice when I started talking about that topic. He was actually interested in what I had to say to him today.

»Jackson, you know I love you and you know, that I don't want to lose you. But I'm sick of you.« I tried to stay calm though I was screaming inside. »I'm sick of you telling me you love me while you don't even tell me who you're visiting on the weekends. I'm sick of you bossing me around the whole time, screaming at me whenever I do something you forbid me to do. I'm sick of you ruining our initially amazing relationship with your "I-am-the-best"-attitude!«

My voice got louder with every sentence I said. Every word hurt more and when I finally screamed the last bit I felt the tears streaming down my face.

Jackson just stood there, staring at me in his weird silence, probably thinking about an answer.

So I waited. I just sat there, looking back at him in a scary kind of silence, letting the tears rush down my cheeks without stopping them.

»Mark? Are you-«

»Yes Jackson, I'm...«, suddenly all confidence left my body, »I'm... I'm breaking... I'm breaking up with you, Jackson Wang.«

He clenched his jaw to prevent it from dropping, his eyes were clearly filled with tears. Was he crying?

He didn't say a word, he just kept standing in the middle of his room in his pure silence, as if he was captivated in another world.

While mine was breaking and falling apart around me, he still managed to hold up his walls and put on his well-known mask, hiding his inner pain underneath a beautiful smile.

And for the first time in probably ages he cried. Because of me. The person he said to love dearly and appreciate and I don't know...

I, the person loving him more than everything else, managed to break down his walls together with mine to let him feel the pain I went through every day.

It felt good to be honest. Splendid, if you want to be a little more classy.

But at the same time it hurt like hell. It felt as if my thorn-stabbed heart combusted into a million tiny little pieces, all being re-stabbed by more thorns and finally being burned in the hottest hell-like fire.

But I was still able to get up from his bed, mutter a silent »Sorry«, before I left the room, shutting the door a little too loud and running towards the living room.

When I heard a loud noise, reminding me of someone punching a hole into the wall, I knew Jackson was super angry, so I grabbed my shoes and my jacket and left the dorm till I got a call from Jinyoung in the late evening hours.

Actually it was my ex-boyfriend calling from Jinyoung's phone because I declined 20 of his calls and blocked his contact.

So I returned home and found an apology-letter on the sofa written neatly in Jackson's nicest handwriting.

Mark,

You were right about me having an attitude like an asshole.

That's why I'm asking you to forgive me.

If you need to, take as much time as you want, to think about and tell me once you decided whether you forgive me or not.

Obviously, you don't have to forgive me.

I will respect whatever decision you make and I promise I will treat you the right way from now on.

You probably don't believe me but I did love you.

-Jackson

End

[2018.10.15]