because jackson said so ⑅ [tuan mark × wang jackson] ✓

• 1k special •

His fingers run softly through my hair. »I love you«, he whispers as he places a kiss on top of my head.

»I love you too«, I answer stuttering, confused by his sudden softness. Why is he being like this?

»I really do love you, Mark«, he repeats gently stroking my cheek. »And I never stopped.«

I face the floor I'm sitting on. Feeling uncomfortable I want to get up, but his hands on my shoulders keep me from moving.

»Why do you want to leave?«, he asks, slightly hurt and with a faint tone of sadness in his voice.

»Jackson, this ... This can't be the way it works. We can't fight one day and go back to being a cute couple the next day. That's not the way relationships work«, I try to explain. I am really struggling to find the right words.

He lets out a sad sigh. »Mark. I told you I am sorry. When-« I cut him off.

»Jackson, listen. It's not because of the fight -well, kind of- but forget it. I think you're trying to get me back too hard. Let go for a month and we'll talk about everything. Please.« I turn around and look at him. His eyes look tired, his whole expression seems sad.

»You're ... You're right, Mark«, he stutters. I can hear a little sob coming from him. Shit, did I make him cry?

He runs his sleeve over his eyes and gets up. »You're right.«

He leaves the living room and slams the door of his own room. That wasn't what I wanted to achieve.

I get up and sit down in the kitchen with a glass of water in my hand. I take a sip and spin the glass on the table.

»What are you doing?«

I turn around and look at Jinyoung. He's wearing PJs and looks ready to go to sleep. »Nothing. Good night«, I say, not realizing how mean it sounded.

He leaves the kitchen and mumbles something under his breath but I don't understand from being too focused on not letting my glass fall over and spill the water on the wooden table.

-

»Why is everything going wrong?«, I ask my reflection. As I stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom, I let out a deep sigh. »Aish!«

I shake my head to remove all the thoughts in it and clear it up a bit. But instead it just makes me dizzy and I have to sit down.

»Why can't I shake my head without getting dizzy, huh?«, I snap at my reflection after my head feels better and I stand on both my feet again. »What exactly is my problem?«

»Your problem is, that you're talking with a mirror at half past 3, Mark«, Jaebum says as he opens the bathroom door looking like I just woke him up. »Go to sleep and shut the hell up before you wake up the others as well.«

I nod and he goes back to sleep. »Stop looking at me like that«, I say to my reflection and slap myself on the forehead. »Stop talking with a mirror!«

-

»Morning«, I yawn as I walk into the living room. I stretch my arms and sit down on the sofa next to Yugyeom.

»What's up? Why are y'all staring at me like that?«, I ask looking from face to face. »Where's Jackson?«, Jinyoung asks without answering me first.

»I dunno, out for a walk maybe«, I think loudly. »Why?«

»He left a note on the kitchen table«, BamBam answers. »Looked like it was for you.«

I run into the kitchen and see the little sticky note on the table.

Mark,

I'm sorry for writing letters instead of talking to you in person. But I just don't know how to explain this without crying.

I notice a few smeared words and picture him crying. A sudden pain in my chest appears and I shrug.

I'll visit my family in China for a month. Just as you said, I'll take time and calm down a bit.

We'll talk when I come back, okay? Please don't call me, I'm trying to stay away from you to focus on getting my emotions and feelings straight.

I love you.

- Jackson

I stare blankly at the paper. I don't know whether I should cry or scream at him for leaving me again. But then I remember that I was the one running out of the house after our fight.

-

In my bedroom I can't do anything except for sitting on my bed, stare at the wall across from me and think about Jackson's letter.

Why couldn't we just work out like other people?
Why couldn't we just have a nice relationship?
Why couldn't we just get married and adopt two children?

Why for God's fucking sake couldn't we be happy?

Thanks for a thousand reads guys, I love you. ❤❤

- halmoonie

[2019.01.15]