Yours

Waking up every morning always comes with a relieved sigh and later a day full of uncertainties and trying to make the most of it, doing the things I thought I’d be missing and the things I won’t be able to repeat. As the sun goes down, the longing and more ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ invade my head and one can only hope that the list of things of wants and believed to be needs would be finished before the ticking of the clock stops permanently. Eyelids closes and sleep pulls away the consciousness that is desperately prayed to stay and be broken as the sun rises the next day, that the soft and patterned intake of breath won’t cease because no matter how much one say that he’s ready to go, there’s always a small part that would be holding onto that thin line of life, gasping more of that slowly laboring breath and grasping that wavering strength – fighting for a chance to live just another day to do that one important thing, and maybe this time you can finally say that you’ve actually lived.

The sun rises again, sunlight kissing my cheek that’s turning colder by the day, winter having nothing to do with it but because another 24-hour had slipped off without any kind of progress. Time continued to tick by and the slow, steady sound brings anxiousness and relief of taking another set of breaths.

Still alive

Despite the feeling of every single day being a routine of sleeping and waking up, I hope each day to end up doing something that would make a day different than the others. Maybe doing something that wasn’t included in that short list, or maybe finally finishing that list and create a new one, or maybe finally be able to tell him the words that has been screaming at me, pleading to be voiced out because it knows how much time it has left before it turns to nothing but everything forgotten – like what I would probably end up.

But like every other people in the world, no matter how helpless everything may seem, we can’t help but create a kind of fallacy to call hope – a kind of promise that everything will turn out better in the end, that each step forward you take makes the smallest kind of change, the kind of change everyone is desperate for.

A miracle

That maybe your time would magically be longer, that you’re time isn’t running short, that it’s moving at a normal pace as those others around you.

The dying trees and growing pile of snow on the pavement begs to differ though

My year was almost up, and I can only beg whatever it was I believed in to somehow prolong it just enough for me to conjure up the courage to tell him, to finally have his hand intertwined with mine, or to finally feel his lips on mine, to hear him say that he felt the same way – that I’m more than just a friend.

Because he’s more than that to me, but I’m afraid to tell him because I was scared, a coward.

The first time I saw him, I knew he was the one, and having to know his name was enough to secure that theory. I’ve never believed in love at first sight because it never actually happened to me – and I never thought I’d be able to experience it. The sudden increase of my heartbeat when he first smiled at me, the nervousness and anxiousness that crept its way onto my system when our eyes first met, the floating and fluttering feeling when I first heard his voice; it was enough for me to realize that I had fallen in love for the very first time.

And it just might be my last.

I tried to distance myself, not letting myself get too attached knowing that it would only hurt more in the end, but the moment he replied to my introduction there was something that locked my fate with his; right then and there I knew I won’t be able to keep myself away from him no matter how much I wanted to – my heart wasn’t mine anymore, it was Kyungsoo’s.