Lumpkin's Darkest Days

Chapter One

My name is Lumpkin; At one point in time it was Professor Lupin. I was renamed by a young 'goffik' girl who goes by the name Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. I couldn't stop it. I was thrown into it, unable to escape the horrifying world of the work of fiction called My Immortal. 

And it was chewing that ended it all. It was masticating that ruined my life.

Be warned, fair mortal, for this story is one of destruction, death and the Curse of the Bungalow. If you so choose to step forwards into this tale, be warned.

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The night of the attack was brutal. It was cold and a snow blizzard whirled around me. The ice on the pavement (because I'm British fuck you) was slippery and my exposed ankles were showing. I know, I know, showing my ankles is a sin and I will burn in hell forever, but I cannot help that I want people to see my sexy, attractive ankles. 

As I was saying, the night was cold, and the only company I had was my mother and father, both hobbling along with their walking sticks. And then I felt it. A hand on my shoulder. I spun around, staring the man right in the eye. It was Volcemorte! His baguette was so close to my face that I could smell the savoury French bread scent. 

"AbrA CADabRA!" He screamed, magic shooting out of the baguette and hitting me and my parents, forcing us to the ground. My mother slipped on the ice, taking my father down with her. They both hit the ground, killing them instantly. I whipped out my baguette and didn't bother with magic, instead electing to toss said baguette at Volsinmote, killing him too. He was a fool for challenging me to a duel. Screaming into the night wind, I fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face. 

From that moment on, I knew what i should be. 

I should be the hero I've dreamed off. The baguette throwing, ankle showing, rootin' tootin' shootin' hero in all of the world. Scrap that. In all of the Galaxy. 

                                                                                           *** 

The sewing machine flowed through the red fabric like butter would glide over a smooth buttcheek... Or even an ankle if you're feeling dangerous. Each stitch sewed into the fabric, creating a beautiful spandex super suit. I put the suit on, making sure to leave enough room for my sexy ankles to be exposed. I pulled on my grandma's bunny slippers and stuffed my baguette in my tactical belt. Grinning, I ran over to my balcony, standing up straight so everyone could see. People stared up at my gloriousness, and watched as I spanked my buttock and winked at them. Even Shrek was watching. Even Obama. It was a wonderful scene. Everyone was gazing at me in awe. 

"People of Ghoifiuejufsafjghyvvvvvv, I am your newest hero! I am the one that will bring you to a new world, free of all crime and filled with punishment! I watched my mother die! I watched my father perish! It was I that murdered Voildinmornt!" I paused for the people to cheer and I spanked my buttock one more time as a thank you. Buttock singular. I lost the other in the war. "I will abolish all crime by chewing them up and throwing baguettes. I root, I toot, but most importantly... I masticate.

"I will chew up crime - and spit it out! I am the Masticator!"

A/N: Fanks 4 reading ma storie. It is mi ferst storie XDXDXD ecks dee. No flaming prepz